The Man Comes Around
by Avlin
Summary: Severus Snape deals with the death of Lily, the destruction of Voldemort, and the possibility of his own redemption. Altas Fractured is the first chapter. The entire story is a song fic. Each knew chapter is another song.
1. Part I Atlas Fractured

Part I; Atlas Fractured

He was sitting in a bar in Knockturn Alley. The place was a popular watering hole for thieves, cut throats, con wizards and smugglers. If you wanted something illegal this was the place to come. An even mix of regulars and strangers made the place easy to disappear in to for a while. With the exception of a few suspicious glances no one ever took notice of the thin pale man at the table near the back he often occupied. Being a man who valued little the company of others, he liked the solitude provided him.

The bar itself was a dimly lit collage of ugly faces and grim. A rank smell of stale tobacco mingled with last week's spilled beer, now a sour scented stain on the walls and floor, road the air. The few people visible through the heavy clouds of pipe smoke that rolled through the still air were not easy to look upon, scared and dirty as they were. Few voices were raised above a whisper filling the tightly packed room with the clicks and hisses of bitter tongues speaking wicked words.

Occasionally a brawl would break out, often turning into a murder. No one ever paid much heed to these outbursts, preferring to retreat further into the dimly lit corners like the rats he knew they were. When the duel was done business resumed as though nothing had happened. The patrons of this nameless crack in the wall valued only their own lives and well beings. If one of their fellow rodents fell before them, well, all the more room for them.

It was here that the news found its way to the ears of Severus Snape.

As he was drinking the last drops of his pint the ancient witch at the table next to the door released shrill burst of laughter that sliced through the smoky, foul scented air. His bitter reverie disturbed, he lowered his mug with a frown. He was about to suggest they take their drunken regaling elsewhere when four words turned his blood into ice.

"...they got the Potters", the old crone said with another wicked cackle.

The room around him swayed and blurred in a nauseating pattern.

_Poor fractured atlas..._

Severus stood up abruptly and stared at the decrepit woman as she continued telling the bald, toothless man seated across from her the news.

"Lestrange jest told me about it when I wes on me way here", she said with another screech of laughter, "Turns out their secret keepa' was on our side all along! Word h'is the Dark Lord dealt wiv' 'em pe'sonally!"

He gripped the back of his chair to steady himself. His throat was suddenly dry and painfully tight. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. The large greasy bar tender looked up at him and motioned with the nub that was once his right hand to Severus's empty mug.

"Will ye' be havin' anoother 'un, young master Snape", he asked.

Severus nodded and sat back down at his table. He ran a trembling hand through his lank hair, now damp with nervous sweat. He laid both white hands on the table before him, discovered they were quivering and placed them hastily into his lap. Here was no place to show weakness.

The bar tender came around to his table, set another frosted mug of ale before him, and inquired if he would like anything else.

"What's the strongest thing you've got", Severus asked, pleased that, even though the world had just come to a great crashing halt, he could muster a calm voice.

"Well, it ain't precisely whatcha' might call legal, ye' understand", the bar tender started.

Severus waved a dismissive hand in the air and shook his head. "It doesn't matter, bring me a double shot and be quick about it. I wish to be on my way."

The bartender frowned then smiled again, revealing his brown teeth and bowed, "Right away, young master."

The door swung open, letting in a burst of crisp spring air. A man roughly Severus's age strode through the door. His eyes took a brief sweeping survey of the condition and the occupants of the bar and then he pulled his long, white linen trench coat closer about him as if to keep the grim and lowlifes as separate from himself as possible. A manicured hand pushed his finely combed white-blonde hair away from his face.

Severus sighed miserably when he recognized the other man. He accepted and downed the shot the bartender had brought him.

No matter what, he told himself solidly, do not lose your temper and above all else, your control. Now rise and greet your superior.

"Lucious", Severus said in his usual drawl. "How good to see you this evening. Won't you have a drink with me?"

The blonde man gave the barest of nods in greeting and strode over to the table, standing by the chair and waiting for Severus to seat him. When Severus did not move, he seated himself with a satisfied grin, and Severus sat down after him.

"Ever the haughty mud blood, Severus," Lucious said examining the slip of parchment lacquered to the table that served as the bar's menu. "You do _know_ that it is customary to seat your superiors, don't you?"

Severus did not rise to the bait. "What brings you here, Lucious? I would not have thought this to be one of you usual haunts."

The corner of the blonde man's lip curled in disgust as he looked around the bar once again with a sniff. "Certainly not. This place is disgusting. Suits you nicely, though. Death Eater or no, you'll always be a mud blood. I assume it's only natural for one of such low birth to be drawn to a place of filth. I am here looking for you. I've received orders from our master. I suppose you've heard the news?"

Severus nodded stonily, his throat almost to tight to speak. He took a drink of his beer and nearly choked on it. "The Potters? Good riddance."

"Yes, well, apparently it has been the undoing of the Master."

Severus felt his heart leap into his throat. "Do what?"

"That bastard child of there's, Harry. When the Dark Lord tried to kill him the brat somehow survived the curse, causing it to back fire."

"The Dark Lord," Severus hesitated, closed his eyes slightly, and finished, "is dead?"

"Don't be a fool, Snape! You can't kill a wizard as powerful as the Dark Lord", Lucious snapped. But it wasn't just anger in that statement, Severus noted, Lucious was scared and with good reason. Lucious settled back in his chair and gave a false, self-assured smile. "You may be sure the Master will make his return in no time. Which brings me to the matter at hand: the child."

"What of him", Severus asked.

"Isn't it obvious? The child must be disposed of and quickly before word spreads around that the Dark Lord has been defeated by a babe-in-arms. You're the closest operative we have to where the baby is now. According to one of our insiders, it will be two more hours before Dumbledore has any of his people on the scene, and that bungler of a Minister, well, we have time to get to the baby before any one else. So what we want you to do is--"

Severus slammed his mug down on the table. "I don't murder people! It's not my job!"

Lucious's eyes widened in shock. His lip curled in disgust. "How dare you! You do what you're told!"

"I don't murder children! Why don't you go do it?"

Lucious shook his head to the negative. "I have more important things to attend to. Besides, murdering infants is beneath me. _You_ will kill the child and you'll do it tonight and you should expect reprimand from me, personally, when you're finished with this task!"

Severus stood up abruptly. He knew what he was in for now that he had refused his mission. If he didn't want it to be worse than it was already going to be, if that was possible, he knew he had to leave at once. He bowed deeply to Lucious.

"Forgive me, Lucious. I will go and attend to this at once," he said and turned to the bar keep. "Put my guest's drinks on my account."

"O' course, gov," the bar tender said with a clumsy bow.

Severus strode out into the night air and did not bother to look back at Malfoy. He stopped in front of the door and closed his eyes. He raised his face to the sable sky and took a deep breath. How had it all come to this? And why? He couldn't be certain, but he knew that somehow he was to blame.

_Poor fractured Atlas...._

..._I'm almost certain_

_He's trying to increase his burden..._

The wreckage of the decimated house sprawled out before him. The houses and lawns to either side of the once handsome two-story home were unscathed. A stray board in the flowerbed of the deceased's left neighbor and a sprinkling of debris that covered the street directly before the former house were the only signs that anything had happened to the Potters if you didn't actually look at the wreckage.

A street light cast sharp shadows through the raze. The neighborhood was silent, all the house lights were off. None of Dumbledore's Order or Ministry Aurors had arrived. That, at least, was some relief.

Severus knelt before the wreckage and lowered his face to the earth.

"Oh, Lilly," he whispered. "Forgive me."

He stood slowly, a solitary figure in the gloom of the smashed ruins where love and joy had once lived. Where hopes and dreams had collided to form a happy family. A family he was somehow certain he had been the destruction of. And he wanted forgiveness...

But enough of those thoughts, he chided himself. If I don't take care of the child it will be my own undoing. No, I'll attend to that on my own. First, I have to find the baby. Lilly's baby...

As he sifted through the splintered wood, plaster, nails, and broken furniture he thought the child must already be dead. Everything was so silent, peaceful even. But at the least he could retrieve the body, if nothing else, for Lilly. Those bastards from the ministry wouldn't treat the body right, just wrap it up, slap a number on it, and leave it in a cold pauper's grave. He couldn't bare the thought of that. But then, he couldn't be much better than they, after all, he was here to kill the child.

Then he heard a soft keening coming from the ruble near what would have been the rear of the house. He made his way there quickly, ignoring the nails and splintered wood ripping the ends of his cloak and robes. He knelt down and heaved a timber away from where the noise was coming from.

He scraped the rubble away frantically, almost hoping that he had heard nothing. Maybe the child had died in the fall of the house. Perhaps it was just a cat. Lilly had always been fond of animals. He could see something moving now. He pulled away two chunks of wall, bright yellow wall paper still clinging to the remnants and there he was.

Harry was dusty, certainly, and a jagged cut marred his smooth forehead, but otherwise he was unharmed. Severus lifted the whimpering child from the rubble with trembling hands and clutched him to his chest. Something of Lilly had survived, he told himself.

He felt a sob rise up in his throat, choking tears from him at the sight of the child. How had he ever come here thinking that he could...

Severus stood up abruptly and looked around. This was certainly no time to weep. Death Eaters might still be around, or this could all be a test of his loyalty. He knew he wasn't going to kill the child, but whether that was what he intended to do or not he would have to leave quick.

Harry buried his face in Severus's chest and clung to his robes, his tiny body still racked with silent sobs. Severus placed his left hand behind the boy's head and cooed softly to him. He was surprised at how easily this came to him; he'd never been fond of children. But then, this was the child that should have been his...

He heard a noise in the bushes behind him and he turned to see a set of glowing yellow eyes staring back at him. Though it was probably just a cat he decided that it was best not to take the chance. He summoned his broom. As the old Cleansweep rose jerkily into the air a black dog leapt out of the bushes and pounced on the handle, snapping the broom in half.

The dog turned its great shaggy head towards him, growling and snapping. It started walking towards him slowly, one enormous paw after the other, all the while eyeing him strangely, as if trying to decide how best to tear out Severus's throat.

Severus raised his wand and aimed it steadily at the dog.

The dog came barreling at him, moving too quickly for Severus to curse him. He turned his back to the beast, hoping to shield the child from harm. He knelt and clutched Harry as closely to him as possible, eyes clenched tightly shut, waiting for the dog's murderous teeth to rip into him.

Crouched shaking with fear, his breath coming in quick panicked bursts, he could feel the mongrel's hot breath on his neck as it growled at him. Its feet padded back and forth as though it were trying to decide whether or not to tear him to shreds. Something else moved behind him, blocking the light of the street lamp and throwing him into shadow. Yelp punctuated the silence and Severus turned around to see the hulking silhouette of a giant man yanking the dog back.

"Sirius", the giant shouted. "Can't ye' see wot 'e's doin'?"

Severus watched as the dog seemed to melt into a blob of shadows and then rise in human form. "You," he shouted as he recognized his canine attacker.

"You", spat Sirius Black as he strode forward aggressively. "Why'd you stop me, Hagrid? I could have had him! For all we know he's the one who-who-"

Hagrid shook his large shaggy head. "No, Sirius. Yer wrong. Didn't ye' see how 'e was holdin' Harry when ye' ran at him?"

"He's a Death Eater", Sirius snapped. "Get your filthy hands off my godson! You murderer! You killed James and Lilly didn't you? Didn't you!"

Severus felt his jaw unhinge. He shook his head 'no'.

"You bastard", Sirius shouted, tears streaming down his cheeks. "You killed them! Are you happy now that you've had your revenge on James? Tell me!"

"Tha's enough," Hagrid said firmly. "Don't be drawin' so much attention to us!"

Severus rose slowly to his feet. "Take the child, please, take the child Hagrid! Take the child", Severus whispered. "Hurry, take him somewhere safe. This isn't a safe place."

Hagrid studied the trembling Death Eater for a moment. Then he reached out to take the child. Severus stared at him, his mind working too fast for him to move.

"Yer' gonna' have ta' let 'im go first," Hagrid said in his deep, soothing voice.

Severus pushed the child into Hagrid's arms. "It's not safe here, I might have been followed! If Lucious finds us here he'll kill us all! They might be following me to test my loyalty! If the Dark Lord isn't really dead... this could be a trap! Take the baby and go... I'll stop them if they come..."

"Slow down friend", Hagrid said as he tucked the child safely into a basket. "Voldemort's gone. He's gone. Now, what are ye' talkin' about?"

Severus shook his head. "I was sent here to dispose of the child. But I couldn't, wouldn't. Not a child... Not Lilly's child. I-"

Hagrid raised his enormous hand and nodded. "I understand."

Those two simple words caused Severus's grief to turn into a carousel of razors inside him. This dreadful spinning pain slashed at his barriers, cut his supports, destroyed for a brief window of time, every wall that he had built to keep this ever-encroaching pain away from present mind. He collapsed to the ground and ran his shaking hands through his hair as tears forced their way to the surface. "You must go. I'll wait here... I'll make sure no one follows you... if I die..."

Hagrid pulled the man to his feet. "Quit yer blubberin'. This ain't no time fer all that, not yet. Yer comin' with me. Dumbledore 'ill take care o' ye'. In the meantime, we gotta' get ourselves outta' here."

Sirius sighed with frustration. "I'm Harry's godfather! He should come with me! Give him to me, Hagrid!"

"Can't, Dumbledore's orders."

Sirius threw his arms in the air with a snarl. He walked halfway down the street and then stopped and shouted back, "Take my bike. I won't be needing it where I'm going."

"Thanks, Sirius."

"Yeah, don't mention it."

_Poor fractured Atlas_

_Threw himself across the mattress..._

Severus was lying on the bed of a dungeon cell when there was a knock on the door. He rolled over on his back and sighed. "Why would you knock if the door is locked from the outside," he asked.

An old man with a long white beard entered the room with a wry smile on his face that went quite well with his half-moon spectacles. "The door wasn't locked. You're not a prisoner."

"Are you here to kill me? Because if you are, then I would appreciate it if you could commence with it and be done", Severus said, his eyes on the ceiling.

"So ready to die," Dumbledore asked, summoning a cozy green armchair from thin air and taking a seat across from the bed.

"It's all I have left now. If you don't kill me, _he_ will. And personally I'd rather be killed by the good guys," Severus retorted sourly.

"So then you're not one of the good guys," Dumbledore asked, summoning a cup of tea.

Severus pulled back the sleeve of his right arm, revealing a hideous skull with a snake coming out of its mouth.

"Do you think I'm not fully aware that you are, and have been for some time, a death eater? Severus Snape, you were a student of mine. I knew what you would become. Of course I hoped I was wrong but..."

Severus sat up and sneered. "You don't know anything about me. Now if you're going to kill me, then do it and be done with it."

"You still have your wand you know", Dumbledore said, his twinkling blue eyes now cold and deadly serious. "Why not escape from here? Or, if you so wish to die, why not end it yourself?"

Severus reached into his pocket past the soft curly lock of hair he always carried to discover that his wand was in place. He wrapped his long fingers around the handle and pondered what his next move should be. He released the wand and lowered his head.

"I don't want to die. I want to cease to exist", Severus admitted with a heavy broken sigh.

"I am afraid nothing can be done to alter your existence. If it were all that easy, well, Voldemort would have been put down long ago and then so many of my students, my best and brightest...ah, but see that sort of thinking does nothing to fix our current situation, does it? Voldemort exists, and will continue to exist. The same is true of you," Dumbledore said sternly.

Severus cocked his head to the left and stared up at the other man.

"And I also exist. My state of existence, that is to say, the fact that I am alive, could easily be altered at this moment. My wand is in my back pocket now. I couldn't reach it in time before you could get to yours and kill me. So tell me, if you are one of the 'bad guys', why then don't you kill me? Surely such a service to Voldemort would boost you into his top ranks.

"Or is it that you are truly a good person? Could it be that you have made mistakes, horrible as they may be, but are not beyond redemption?"

Severus laughed mirthlessly. "You have no idea what I have done in my service to the Dark Lord. You have no idea what I am capable of!"

Dumbledore sighed and set his teacup down on the thin air where it hovered as though supported by and invisible table. "I _do_ know, Severus. I am amply aware of the things you have done, the lives you've ended, ruined, torn asunder. I am the leader of the opposing force, after all. Do not underestimate my intelligence."

Severus sat mute on his cot.

Dumbledore sighed heavily and adjusted his robes as he crossed his legs and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "So now the chance has been afforded to you to make things right, to redeem yourself. Think carefully, Severus, for few are given such a chance."

Severus scrubbed his face wearily and shook his head. "You fail to understand me, Dumbledore. I do not believe that I can be saved."

Dumbledore rose and with a flick of his wand vanished the chair and his teacup. "I do not expect your answer now, naturally you'll need time to consider things. I would like to remind you before I go of your behavior the previous evening."

Severus waved a dismissive hand. "What of it? I was sent to kill an innocent child. Oh yes, Dumbledore, I'm quite a good chap once you know me! Sure I've killed and tortured people and conspired to kill children, but really! My bark is worse than my bite!"

"But you didn't kill him, did you?"

"What?"

Dumbledore smiled knowingly as he continued, "It was quite the opposite wasn't it? You protected Harry from the dog before you realized what you were doing. In fact, you could have just left him to die where you found him, or killed him on the spot. But instead you made to leave with the boy and then shielded him when you were attacked."

"How do you know I wasn't leaving to kill the boy at a safer location? Perhaps I was just going to drop him from the sky and be done with it!"

"But you weren't going to do that at all", Dumbledore said opening the door, "Good night, Severus. See you in the morning."

Severus glared at him as he shut the door, wishing he had the nerve to Avada Kedavara the old wizard before he shut the door and flee from this place. Surely the others would take him back despite his failure to kill the Potter child if he managed to kill Dumbledore. He should have been quicker to think of it, and he liked to fancy that his mind would let him escape the guilt of killing the old man. Dumbledore had foolishly allowed him to keep his wand, after all.

Severus leaned back, feeling strangely satisfied as he contemplated all the possible ways he could curse Dumbledore into oblivion when he remembered something Dumbledore had said to him causing a disturbing thought: Just why had he tried to protect the child when the dog charged him? It would have been so easy to just toss the child to the dog and allow the vicious monster to tear the helpless infant to shreds.

Instead of doing that, however, he shielded the baby with his own body. Why?

Severus shook his head, trying to force the thoughts from his mind. He relaxed on the cot and pulled the blanket up around his shoulders. He shut his eyes wearily. He hadn't slept in days. Or had it been a month? He'd been in the dungeon for so long he couldn't be sure how much time had actually passed. Enough to grow a rather unruly beard. As he lay awake he contemplated his sleeplessness. He decided it was partially because of the nagging hurt pushing and bumping against old wounds he thought had callused over years ago and partially because he feared what dreams might come to him while he slept.

Every time he shut his eyes a vision of Lilly came to his mind. They were not complete images, a flash of red hair here gleaming in the summer sun, a fragmented memory of her smile, creamy skin, those brilliant green eyes first happy, then filled with the tears of an anguished mind. He could not remove her from his mind. And what was more, he could not believe, even though he had seen what remained of her earthly home, that she was now gone from this world forever.

How, he wondered, could the world ever get on with out her? He smiled despite himelf as he recalled how he had, in the blush of love's first bite, believed that the world existed solely for Lilly Evans. Everything that was beautiful was beautiful so that Lilly would have something to fill her eyes, too perfect for the mundane and the obscene, with. Everything that was amusing was amusing only so that she might have cause to laugh and fill the world with her music. And of course, if something was sad or ugly, it was only in such a state so that she might fix it.

Yes, he was a terrible fool when he was young, but even at twenty-five part of that delusion still remained. And now, he thought, heartache making his throat tight and painful, Lilly was truly gone. How, he wondered as sleep claimed him, the world was managing to hold itself together in spite of the loss was beyond him.

_He said, "That's how the child in me planned it. A woman wouldn't understand it."_

The morning brought to Severus a terrible headache. He groaned as he rolled over. He opened his eyes slowly; afraid of how the light might affect the pounding in his head. Little to his surprise a pot of tea and a lovely little china cup were sitting on a table covered in a happy blue cloth before him. He sat up, removed the lid of the pot, and sniffed at it. He had never been particularly fond of green tea, but his mouth was so dry he was ready to wet it with anything, palatable or not.

He poured the tea and sipped at it, ignoring the cream and sugar more out of suspicion than anything else. He drank the first two cups quickly and when he was done for some unexplained reason he felt the urge to hurl the entire set, which looked obnoxiously pleasant and happy matched with the gloom of the dungeon cell, which was more to his liking, against the cell door.

Instead he rose and decided to take a brief walk around the school. He hadn't been here in quite some time and anything was better then wondering why one was so angry at a tea set.

He tried the door and it swung open effortlessly, as though it had been waiting for just the slightest bit of encouragement all along. As he walked out into the hall he was pleased to see that no one was there. He walked on absently, thoughts rolling lazily about in his waking mind, none of the clear or well formed, just muddied images taking up space and mercifully preventing him from contemplating the precarious position he was now in.

Dragging one hand along the wall as he used to when a boy at school he felt for all the familiar dents and scrapes where countless jinxes and minor curses had missed their student mark and forever engraved themselves. He smiled at the memories of past duels he had witnessed or partaken in as a boy. It was all such innocence, more of a way to strut one's skill and show off than to really hurt one another. If it could have only stayed that way. He wondered why it hadn't, and when the change from braggart to killer had began for him.

He blinked fiercely and pushed the thoughts away. Winning was the only thing that mattered in life, he reminded himself. Because winners not only survive, they prosper.

_"But you know that's not true, Sev", Evans said in a huff._

_"Isn't it", Severus retorted._

_"Winners don't always prosper. There's always room for regret."_

_"I don't plan on having regrets."_

He had begun to feel better once he had fled from the castle and into the outskirts of the Forbidden Forrest. Although it had always been off limits for students because of the danger that dwelled there, Severus had always felt safer, freer within the woods. No one was there to bother him and any creature foolish enough to try to make a meal out of him would be bitterly disappointed.

Sitting down in his old favorite spot, a fallen log he had bewitched to never rot, he found his thoughts turning to Lilly once again. He had known, had always known that they would never last. He was too ambitious and she was too good. Perhaps opposites might attract one another, he thought bitterly, but that didn't mean it was a good match.

Lilly had always been destined to protect others. It had never been in her nature to turn her back to injustice, he knew from personal experience. She had persuaded that twit she finally married from many a cruel exploit and not always on Severus's behalf.

Severus raised his wand and flicked it at a cloud of gnats that had begun to make their way towards him. They each exploded in a tiny purple spark. He set his wand in his lap and sighed. He didn't want to think of Lilly, he didn't want to remember that she was gone. But even in the complicated shadows of his old refuge, the memories and the hurt sought him out. He felt a presence at his back and realized that painful memories were not the only annoyances seeking him out this morning.

"What do you want", he asked gruffly.

"Jus' wonderin' how yer doin', 's all", Hagrid said, sitting down uninvited at the other end of the fallen timber.

"Much better without company, thank you", Severus said, standing to leave.

Hagrid reached out and patted him on the shoulder, causing Severus's knees to buckle beneath him. He sat back down with a hard thump.

"Ye' shouldn' be alone while yer grievin'", Hagrid said.

"What are you talking about", Severus said, pretending he didn't understand. The last thing he wanted to talk about was Lilly, and the last person he wanted to talk to about her was Hagrid.

"Ye' don' haff ta' act tough aroun' me", Hagrid said, with a great sniff, "I mean, lookit me. Big as I am, I been blubberin' like a baby since...since..." Hagrid began to weep noisily.

Severus looked away uncomfortably. "I still don't know what you're going on about. I-I could care less!"

Hagrid blew his nose loudly into a spotted handkerchief and looked at Severus angrily. "Thas' a lie if I e'er heard one! But go on! Get out of my woods if yer gonna' act like that."

Severus turned, heat burning in his pale cheeks, and marched back to the castle. He blew through the front doors, not bothering to shut them behind him. he walked quickly through the entrance hall, he could feel the inquisitive gazes of the portraits on the walls following in his wake.

Down, down and down went the stairs, his pace picking up as he neared his cell. Halfway down he stumbled, caught himself on the rail, which gave way beneath the sudden weight and caused him to roll another flight downward.

He skidded to a haul on the old granite floor on his face. When he raised up on his elbows he found himself nose to toe with a pair of glove soft blue boots. A quick glance upward to identify the booted feet turned his pain to humiliation. Of all the people he didn't want to stumble and fall before, Albus Dumbledore was near the top of the list. He was bound to turn the simple twist of bad luck into some drawn out analogy.

Dumbledore stooped to help the glowering younger man to his feet. Snape threw his hands up in the air and flung the assisting hands back as if their touch was burning.

"I was merely trying to help", Dumbledore said calmly, a look that might have revealed a hint of disappointment creasing his face.

"I don't need it! Nor do I want it", Severus hissed and stormed down the long winding hall back to his cell.

..._He's screaming some words at the top of his lungs_

_Until he begins to feel younger..._

..._we find our trembling punch drunken fighter_

_who can't find the strength now to punish the length..._

Hours, no minutes, maybe only a second had passed since he had jammed his wand to the underside of his chin. He would have done it that instant, only he had decided to swallow, giving his mind a single instant to reconsider. So there he sat, alone in his dungeon, afraid to set the wand aside because he might not go through with it and afraid of what might happen if he did go through with it.

He believed in god, certainly. A vengeful, cruel god. A god that did not love his creations. A god that did not love him. a god that had created him and turned his back on him, taking notice only to torment or punish him as a child might do with an ant in a bottle. He was certainly in no hurry to meet such a deity.

And then again, why should such a deity have the pleasure of deciding his end? Why not finish it all now? Take it in his own hands, tell god by ending his life that he, Severus Snape, would no longer endure the humiliation, the pain, the longing, the emptiness, the fear that had comprised his life.

The door swung open and Dumbledore came in, summoned the overstuffed armchair once again and sat down. He didn't look surprised to see Severus sitting there, wand stuck to his throat in a cold sweat. On the contrary, he seemed like he was just visiting an old friend for a pleasant chat and some tea.

Severus didn't move. He watched the old wizard stare back at him calmly for a long time before finally saying, "What is it that you want? Can I not even have a moment's peace in my final hour?"

"Oh, oh yes. Certainly, I'll leave in a moment", Albus said, summoning a cup of tea. "Care for a cup? No, well I daresay I didn't expect you to."

"What", Severus said very slowly, beginning to consider aiming his wand and his intent at his unwanted visitor, "do you want?"

"What do you want Severus?"

"I would think that would be plain."

"That's not what you really want, you just feel you don't have another option."

"I would thank you not to try and read my mind, I find you are less than adept at it and to speak plainly, Dumbledore, it's quite irritating", Severus snapped.

Albus nodded politely. "Then forgive an old fool, won't you? That _is_ why I'm here after all, to ask you to forgive me. I shouldn't want you to die without asking you for that first."

For a moment Severus could not make sense of the words being spoken to him. no one had ever asked him for such a thing and he didn't feel particularly disposed to be forgiving. And just what had Dumbledore done to be asking for such a thing? If had something to do with the way he'd ignored how Potter and his little gang had treated him in school, well it was much to late for all that. The damage was done, no words could mend that hurt now.

"What do you have to be sorry for," Severus asked scathingly.

Dumbledore shook his head. "I've failed you twice, I would say that was something. When you were a boy at school, I should have put a stop to all that...I didn't, I thought perhaps it would make you to understand the life you were making for yourself."

Severus sneered. "I don't understand what you mean!"

Dumbledore shook his head, waved his wand without enthusiasm and refilled his cup. "When you arrived here at he school, you had advanced knowledge in areas of magic someone so young should not have known. I knew what you were being groomed for. I hoped that by being the brunt of cruelty would lessen your desire to continue your pursuits. I had thought, wrongly, that if you understood what it was to be tormented, you would not wish to join with Voldemort", Severus shuddered but Dumbledore continued on, " in the torture of others. Obviously I was quite wrong."

Severus narrowed his eyes. "Obviously. Tell me your second reason and leave, I'd rather not be here all night."

"I am deeply sorry for failing Lilly Potter. I know what she meant to you, what she has always meant to you". Dumbledore sighed. "And in failing her, I have taken someone and something very precious to you. She loved you, perhaps not in the way that you loved her, but she did, Severus."

Severus fought the urge to hurl his wand and himself at Dumbledore. His heart pounded painfully as he shouted, "Shut up. Just shut up and leave now! Lilly Potter was nothing but a little mudblood tramp! She meant nothing to me! Nothing! Now get out!"

Dumbledore's eyes flashed with dangerous anger and then returned to their former melancholy blue. "If that's what you think..."

"It is."

"I suppose there is nothing more to say then."

"Leave."

"I take it you will not forgive me?"

Severus glared, lock-jawed. He would not allow himself to be stalled further.

Dumbledore left quietly, vanishing the chair and floating teacup as he went.

Severus listened as the soft boots padded down the empty hallway. when Dumbledore was gone he took a deep breath and shouted, "_Avada Kedavara!"_

There was a _poof_ of green and purple smoke and something soft and smooth fluttered in his face. For a moment Severus sat in awe, thinking he was dying and surprised that it was not more painful. On the contrary, he felt perfectly fine. He looked down at his wand to discover that the smooth, soft thing that had fluttered in his face a moment ago was merely a ribbon with word a scrolling along the length of it like a Muggle marquee. It read:

Come to Zonko's for all your wizarding prankster needs!

Followed by a long list of the merchandise the carried and their various locations. Severus growled and snapped the wand in half. He flung the door open and strode out in to the corridor.

"Dumbledore! You old fool! Give me my wand", Severus roared.

A startled portrait of a stunning woman with dark red hair, in a black velvet dress with a high, button up neck looked at him with a startled expression.

"Dear, please", she said in the voice and tone of a true lady, "It would be quite nice if you wouldn't yell so. And in your erratic state, did you really think they'd allow you to keep your wand? It's for your own good I expect."

Severus shot her a reproachful look and went back to his cell, slamming the door behind him.


	2. Part II Lost in the Lipstick Vogue

Part II; _Lost in the Lipstick Vogue_

_Don't say you love her_

_When it's just a rumor_

_Don't say word if there is any doubt_

Her hair shown like copper in the brilliant light that bounced of the lake. Falling down her shoulders, half-covering her face, tossed back over her shoulder carelessly as she laughed with her friends. And her hands, oh too be a glove on one of those hands, Severus thought. Shakespeare would have written that with a hole new meaning if he had only seen her hands. Fine boned, things. The looked deceptively delicate, Severus knew from the times he'd watched her in Potions that they were truly dexterous and strong.

She was smiling, her eyes wet with laughter, shining like dew studded emeralds. When she smiled a strange and pleasant pang struck him in the breast. He felt slightly sick watching her, his heart pounded in his chest, his hands felt cold, his cheeks feverish. She was an angle, had to be. If she was any sort of half-blood it was per goddess. He marveled at her, unable to believe that such divinity was gracing the lawns of Hogwart's.

Severus had not been aware of how long he had been watching Lilly from his usual spot near the lake by the bushes until Potter and his twits had cornered him.

"What's that you're looking at, _Snivelus_," Potter asked in his infuriating drawl.

Severus sprang to his feet, his hand already in his pocket for his wand.

"Quick", Sirius said, "But not nearly quick enough."

Potter and Sirius already had their wands pointed at him. Lupin and Pettigrew stood mutely behind the other two, pretending to study the ground beneath their feet of the sky as if nothing was going on. And that was worse, somehow.

"So tell me, _Snivelus_, just what were you watching that had you so", Potter paused as if searching for just the right word, "_enraptured._"

"Mind your own business," Severus snapped, crossing his arms firmly across his chest.

Sirius's eyes traced their way in the previous direction of Severus's. "Hmm, Prongs, better have a look at this!"

Pottered sneered haughtily at Severus before asking, "What was the prat drooling over? Some snot nosed first year in his house, I'm sure. Slytherins are all alike. Like 'em young and easy to take advantage of, eh Snivy?"

Anger brought hot stains to his cheeks. He had better morals than some of his other house mates. He struggled to maintain his calm, he did not want Potter to think he had gotten one right.

"No, not at all actually", Sirius said, sounding rather pleased with himself. "Take a look for yourself."

"Keep an eye on him for me for a second then, don't want the coward to draw his wand and hex us while our backs are turned", James said.

Sirius aimed his wand steadily at Severus and gave a smart salute. "Right-o, Prongs."

Severus watched, miserable and helpless, as James turned towards the lake where Evans and some of her friends were sitting, still talking and laughing, oblivious to being watched. James's jaw unhinged, his ears turned to a worrisome shade of crimson. Then he smiled; a look that put more fear into Severus's gut that the previous look of fury that had contorted his adversary's face.

James laughed, loudly and for a long time. Severus stood in defiant silence.

"Got your eye on Evans, _Snivelus_", he asked in scathing mock-sincerity, "Hmpf, can't say your taste is bad. Afraid it goes with out saying that she's _well_ out of your reach. Some ugly, slime ball like you wouldn't have a chance with her in his dreams."

Severus glared at him, knowing that Potter was right and hating all the more for it. "I'd say I have a better chance than some puffed-up, egotistical show off like you, Potter."

Potter shrugged. "At least I have good hygiene. More than I can say for you."

"It is a pity though, real tragedy", Sirius said nonchalantly.

"What's that, Padfoot", Potter asked.

"Well, he loves her and she doesn't know he exists. Meanwhile you're in the picture so it's not as if he'd ever have a chance with her in the first place," Sirius said coolly with a light shrug.

Severus forced a laugh. "Me? In love with that ugly little mudblood? No, I was just trying to decide on a candidate for a new curse I've been developing. I figured a mud blood would do nicely or someone in Gryfindor. And low and behold there the she goes, the perfect guinea pig."

"What's that you're saying", James asked. He swished his wand in an overly exaggerated flourish and shouted, "_insert curse here."_

Severus flew off his feet into the air, struggling to retrieve his wand from his pocket before he landed in the lake. He hit the surface of the lake painfully and skipped the top of it like a stone on his bottom twice before plunging into the water. As he struggled to make his way back on shore spluttering and snorting water out he could hear everyone laughing at him. When he decided nothing could make the situation any more humiliating, something cold began to wrap itself around his skinny right leg.

Terror bulged his eyes. A scream forced its way out of him as an enormous tentacle began to raise him higher and higher into the air. He dangled upside down helplessly swinging. The world had became swinging flashes of glittering water, flurries of laughing faces and the spectral trees of the Forbidden Forest. If his robes had bot been soaking wet and plastered to him, he was quite certain everyone on the campus would have seen his underwear.

When he was ten feet from the edge of the shore the squid tossed him about three feet further and then slipped its tentacle beneath the water and a small rise of water followed it back to the middle of the lake.

Severus floundered as he made his way back to the shore, spitting and stumbling. The water was still deep enough to be difficult, and the weight of his wet robes did not make his way any easier. He could still hear the cruel laughter on shore. When he was almost there, four feet maybe, he slipped on the slippery rocks and shells beneath his feet and fell gracelessly down again scrapping the heels of his hands and his knees.

As he struggled back to his feet he found the rocks to be all the more treacherous and continued to fall back to his knees again and again. Laughter roared. And then there it was, the hand he had so longed to touch, to hold extended right in his face. When he didn't react immediately to the assistance, Lilly grabbed him by the shoulders and hoisted him to his feet, pulling him out of the water behind her.

"Shut up", Lilly shouted fiercely at her snickering companions, who fell silent but still wore the smirks of suppressed laughter.

Severus looked around wildly, trying to think of what he should do. He caught sight of Lucious watching with a small group of Slytherin's elite from a shadowed corner of the lawn, shaking his head in disapproval. Severus threw his hands up in the air and stepped away from Lilly angrily.

"I don't need help from the likes of you, Evans," he snapped.

Lilly looked offended, even hurt, and then her fine features cooled to controlled anger. "That's odd, I could have sworn you were struggling to get out of the water and enduring terrible humiliation. I can see I was wrong. Next time, I won't bother!"

And that was that. She strode off in a huff, closely followed by her girlfriends who shot venomous looks over their shoulders at him as they departed.

Severus walked out of the water furious, embarrassed. He glanced back up to where Lucious was hanging about, who was now talking avidly with Beatrix who was nodding her head in agreement. Perhaps that previous display of false-contempt had mended the humiliation he had brought to Lucious.

As he stormed back up to the castle he could hear Potter and Black snickering and making their comments, their jokes. They were discussing in high spirits how that had gone especially well. It couldn't have gone better if they'd planned it. Pettigrew was shaking his head and agreeing with everything they said in his disgustingly sycophantic way. Lupin was choosing to remain silent, to turn a blind-eye to the cruelty of his friends, which was infinitely worse even though Severus understood why he did it.

_Sometimes I think that love is just a tumor_

_And you've got to cut it out_

Lilly wasn't sure what it was about the Slytherin boy she liked. He was mean, he was bitter (about what she couldn't imagine and knew she didn't care to), he was never polite to her or anyone else. He had a quick temper. He ran around with Lucious Malfoy, it that in and of itself wasn't bad enough. Up to his eyeballs in the Dark Arts, said James Potter's voice in her head.

She rolled over miserably on her bed and sniffed. Such a foul creature, Severus Snape, and yet here she was crying again because she liked him so much and he _hated _her. A cruel desire to have James and Sirius make him hurt like he had made _her_ hurt took hold of her for a moment, they'd do it if she asked them. They'd love a reason to torment him. But then they'd be doing that anyway. She didn't really care for the idea of requesting torment for others and it bothered her that she'd even thought of it.

She could still remember the first time she'd ever set eyes to him. It was her first ride on the Hogwart's Express. She didn't know anybody; everything was still so new to her. It was amazing, she remembered thinking, how practical magic was to them. It tied into everything they did. It as unusual to them walk through Platform 9 3/4 as it was for her to cross the street.

And the there he was, arms crossed defiantly, sitting alone on his trunk with a stack of books and a tiny black kitten sitting next to him, both looking forward and adorably tough.

Lilly sighed into her pillow and laughed as she recalled how silly Severus and Mordrid had looked. So little, helpless but determined to appear like a force to be reckoned with. He had caught her staring at him and returned her curious gaze with a hard look. She had smiled back at him, determined to win him over as a friend. He had looked genuinely surprised before returning his eyes to the tracks.

_You've got a lot to say but I'm not jokin'_

_There are some words they don't allow to be spoken_

"I can't believe you treated Lilly like that", Lupin said in his even, quiet tone as they sat studying.

Severus shrugged. "It's not got anything to do with anything you'd understand."

Lupin eyed him levelly. "Try me. I've been known to be an understanding person."

Severus sighed heavily and pushed his Potions book away. He glanced around the library to make sure no one was around, listening in. Everyone should be at dinner but caution was priceless. "Evans is a pretty girl, you know, but it's never going to happen and besides, it's best not to let on that I think anything of her at all. If Lucious--"

Lupin snorted. "Lucious Malfoy", he spat testily, "That great prat? What's it matter what he thinks about you? If you care for Lilly that should be the only thing that matters."

"My future matters a great deal more to me than any little crush I have on some mud-"

Lupin raised a hand in the air to stop Severus from saying more. He looked angry, angrier than Severus had ever seen him. "How can you say something like that? Especially since you're... one too."

"I can say what I like, and there's a difference! I'm the first muggle born to have ever entered Slytherin House", Severus whispered beneath his breath.

Lupin rolled his eyes. "So you're an anomaly, that doesn't make you special. And it certainly doesn't give you the right to be a stuck up jerk. Besides, it's obvious you're crazy about her."

Severus rolled his eyes and crossed his arms in that irritating way Lupin hated. Then he said, not looking directly at the other boy ", And you're giving me advice? You and that little gang of yours attacked me with no reason today and you stood by and let it all happen, didn't even try to stop them. I was just minding my own business!"

Lupin's face turned red with shame. He sat across the table quietly and sucked the end of his quill. "I guess it's the same thing for both of us then. You can't admit you love Lilly-"

"I don't love Lilly!"

"-And I can't admit I'm friends with you without being ostracized," he finished, eyes still clouded by thought. "But we could change that!"

Severus rubbed his face with his hands. "No, not this again!"

Lupin looked excited, Severus hated it when he got like this. "Yeah, yeah we could! We could form some sort of inter-house club! You and I could start by admitting out friendship to our house mates and then-"

"Lupin", Severus said sharply, " stop! This isn't just a matter of popularity for me! There is a world outside of Hogwart's I am preparing myself for. One_ you_ can know nothing about. More than just simple school lessons goes on here. So save your talk of love and harmony for someone who can believe in such things."

Lupin looked rather dejected. He went back to studying his book on charms. The two passed the following half-hour quietly, determined not to look at each other again. Before long, the after-dinner crowd started to filter in for a bit of last minute studying. Wordlessly, the two ended their study session.

As Lupin gathered his books to leave he looked up and said, "I'll never understand you, Severus. But admit one thing to me before we go."

"Never."

Lupin smiled.

"What are you smirking about," Severus asked angrily.

"That was all the confession I needed to know the truth."

_It's you_

_Not just another mouth in the lipstick vogue_

Lilly was both relieved and annoyed when her dorm-mates tromped noisily giggling back into their room. Part of her wanted to just be left alone to feel sorry for herself, and the other part welcomed the intrusion on her grief. She kept still with her back to them, hoping they would assume she was asleep.

"Lilly," Marian Bones whispered. "Lilly, are you feeling well?"

Victoria Williamson plopped down on Lilly's bed and stroked her hair, felt her forehead. "Why weren't you at supper? Is something the matter?"

Lilly shook her head slowly to the negative. If only she could tell them the truth, she thought miserably. But they'd worry or laugh or advise her to aim a little higher.

Marian and Natasha Laurel came around to the other side of her bed and sat down next to her. Natasha lit the candle on her night stand and gasped when she saw Lilly's tear streaked face.

"Lilly Evans you terrible liar," she whispered.

"What? What is it," the other to asked in urgent whispers, craning over Natasha's shoulder to see Lilly.

"Oh, you're crying", Marian cooed. "What is it dear?"

"Yes, tell us?"

"Did someone call you a name?"

"Are your pregnant?"

"Oh, is it you're family? Is everyone ok?"

Lilly shook her head 'no' to all those things. She sat up slowly and wiped her face clean with the sides of her palms. "It's nothing like that... I don't want to talk about it." She had intended to say this in a firm voice so that her friends, so irritatingly sympathetic when what she wanted was to be left alone, would go on about their own business. Instead, he voice faltered and cracked as she said it.

Natasha pulled her in for a hug and Victoria stood up and disappeared from sight for a moment. When she returned she was holding four bottles of Butterbeer which she hand out before sitting back down.

As the other two settled in Marian studied Lilly's face carefully, thoughtful. She sucked at the corner of her lip with a frown as she tried to discern what tormented her friend. Then her eyes widened and she smiled knowingly as it began to dawn on her.

"You, my darling," she said slowly, looking at Lilly proudly, "Are madly, desperately in love!"

Lilly shook her head frantically, knowing that by denying it so fiercely she was only confirming the truth of it. "No, it's not that it's-it's"

But it was too late. Natasha and Victoria had already collapsed into giggling again, tossing up completely unlikely names of people it might be.

"Peter Pettigrew," Victoria snorted.

Natasha made a face and shook her head. "I'd be crying too if I were in love with _him_!"

"Ooo, I bet its Lucious Malfoy," Victoria said dreamily.

Once again Natasha shook her head adamantly ", No, no, lovely! Couldn't be! _You're_ in love with that haughty bastard. Lilly has much better taste than that."

"_Luscious _Malfoy is more like it, oh! I could just spread him on a cracker and eat him up," Victoria continued, ignoring Natasha's disparaging remarks about his character. "Who cares if you're evil when you've got a body like _that_!"

Lilly took a long pull of her Butterbeer and caught herself smiling. Victoria and Natasha just had that affect on her sometimes. Marian caught her eye and nodded to the door. Lilly nodded, she knew Marian wanted to have a talk and if she was going to talk to anyone she wanted it to be her.

"Ladies, ladies," Marian said coolly ", Ms. Evans and myself are going down to raid the kitchens. It seems you to have revived her appetite."

"Hooray", the two sang cheerfully and gave the others a list of what they wanted brought back up.

As they exited the room Marian sighed heavily, still smiling. "Those two, incorrigible."

"Definitely," Lilly said with a sharp nod of her head.

"What do you say, Ms. Evans, to a peaceful stroll over the school grounds?"

Lilly glanced out the window at the clear night sky, the full moon hanging in the sky a glorious golden lantern to light their way, and said, "Ms. Bones, I say that sounds splendid."

"Splendid."

_Not just another mouth_

_Lost in the lipstick vogue_

"Perfect night, eh Prongs," Sirius said, gazing dreamily at the sky where he was sprawled comfortably on the lawn. A few seconds slipped by unanswered and Sirius looked up at his friend, who was picking at the blades of grass not listening. "Prongs?"

"What? Oh! Yes... excellent," James replied hastily.

Sirius frowned. "You don't have any idea what I just said, do you?"

James grinned. "Not a clue."

Sirius smirked and returned his eyes to the sky. "You were thinking about that Evans girl again weren't you? Just ask her out."

James shrugged. "It's not that easy. She's not like all those other Quiditch groupies that follow us around, you know. She's, smart... and clever. And she _hates_ me."

Sirius punched James in the shoulder. "Don't be such a dunderhead! With faces like ours, girls go nuts. Just ask her and I'm sure she'll be eating out of your hand."

James frowned. "You don't understand! I don't want a girl who's going to be lapping at my feet. That's why I like her. She doesn't care about how I look. She doesn't care that I'm good at Quiditch. She doesn't care about me at all!"

Sirius looked at him, suddenly very serious. "Oh dear James, this is terrible! WE must rush you to the hospital wing right away, this very instant!"

James frowned at him. "What are you talking about?"

"You", Sirius said dramatically. "You've gone and done yourself in. You have succumbed to the most dreaded disease man has ever known! Your carefree days are over! No more fun and shenanigans for you, my dear, dear friend-"

Peter, whom the other two had all but forgotten, looked quite upset. "What's wrong with him?"

Sirius put an arm around Peter and gestured to James as though he were a leper. "He, dear Mr. Wormtail, is in love with Lilly Evans!"

Peter nodded his understanding. "But then why does he need to go to the hospital wing?"

"I _don't _need to go tot he hospital wing, Peter. Mr. Padfoot was just being facetious."

Sirius looked offended. "I most certainly wasn't! This is even worse than I thought! You need St. Mungo's now! Quickly, Peter! Go get out brooms immediately, we have to take him at once."

James shoved his friend playfully. "Knock it off. We should be changing instead of talking anyway, only fifteen minutes until moonrise."

"Have you even seen Moony tonight", Sirius asked. "He wasn't at dinner."

"Perhaps he wasn't feeling well. You know, a little nervous or something," Peter offered.

"No, I saw him leaving the library tonight heading for the hospital wing when I was coming back from dinner tonight. You know how he worries about his studies during full moon," James said with a shrug.

Marian sat down on the stone bench. They were in the little rose garden near the Forbidden Forest. Marian gestured for Lilly to sit beside her. Lilly frowned. She didn't mind being outside the school late at night, but being so closed to the forest made her uneasy. She could see the specters of dark and ancient trees looming fearsome behind the high wall of roses. She sat down nervously, looking around to make sure no unknown Boogie Man was waiting to pounce.

"So", Marian said after a long moment of silence. "Who is it and tell me all about it."

Lilly shrugged. "You must swear never to tell a soul."

"Of course", Marian said lightly, leaning in.

"I mean it! I want you to say the words, you must swear never to tell," Lilly said, terrified by Marian's casual approach to the matter at hand.

Marian sat up and held her hand over her heart. "I solemnly swear never to tell a single soul, breathing or otherwise, who Lilly Evans loves," she said in her deep, official voice. She glanced at Lilly from the corner of her eye. "Is that good?"

Lilly slouched forward and rested her elbows on her knees. "I suppose."

"Good, now tell me!"

Lilly moaned, frantically trying to find a way to postpone her confession. "Who do you think?"

Marian pursed her lips. "It's that strapping Ravenclaw boy isn't it? The one with the dark curly hair, looks like a little Persian god?"

Lilly laughed quietly under her breath. Marian's penchant for poetics never failed to amuse her. "No, not in Ravenclaw."

Marian frowned and began to search her memory once again for a good candidate. "Is it oh, what's his name, eh, the Heicht boy in Hufflepuff. Long legs, blonde hair spilling all down his back. Really classic male beauty..."

Lilly rolled her eyes. "No, wrong house again."

Marian smiled, to Lilly's surprise. "Well, good, because I thought I knew who it was from the start! I just wanted to eliminate all the other options before in pegged this one! Best for last, as they say... It's James Potter isn't it?"

Lilly looked aghast. "That over-inflated, arrogant, bullying... No! Absolutely not! I can't stand the sight of him!"

Marian looked at her as though she were from another planet. She opened her mouth to say something but then thought better of it. "Thou dost protest too much."

Lilly shook her head. "No. Potter is a priggish, swaggering dolt. He's not in our house.

Marian looked a bit faint, another realization dawning on her like the one in their dorm had done. The way she could calculate things up in her head to deduce an answer really should have put her in Ravenclaw, Lilly decided.

"What house is he in", Marian asked, a deadly serious. She sounded as though she was a little afraid to hear the answer.

Lilly paused, tried desperately to think of a way out of saying it, decided it was too late to do that now, and said, "Slytherin, Marian. He's a Slytherin."

"It's Severus Snape isn't it Lilly," Marian said, no hint of mockery in her voice.

Lilly nodded, she could feel her eyes brimming with tears again.

Marian pulled her best friend closer to her side. "Shhh, dear, none of that now. There's no reason for you to cry. Even if you do have bad taste in men."

_Sometimes I almost feel just like a human being_

Severus could not sleep no matter how he twisted or turned. At first a comfortable position soon turned into torture and he would move once again in search of ease. When he could find it he gave up, rose from bed silently and dressed. He crept quietly up from the Slytherin lair, into the entrance hall and out the school doors.

It was a pleasant summer night and a rare smile lit his face as he gazed at the moon, full and beautiful and barren. He strolled for a long time, his cloak billowing quietly behind him, unsure of his direction or purpose. He could not say what had possessed him to leave the safety of the castle and her dungeons. Usually beneath the night sky and alone he felt too in the o pen, vulnerable. Tonight it was not the usual case, he felt strong and he welcomed the darkness around him. He thought of the shadows as hundreds of tender lovers, shrouding him and hiding him and protecting him.

On and on he walked, lost in his thoughts, lost in the arms of his new mistress. And glad to be lost. When he felt he was sure to lose himself to the night forever, when he thought perhaps the night might _really_ swallow him up and carry him away when the sun came back to reclaim his skies, he heard hushed voices, and tears.

He stopped in his tracks, reality suddenly flooding back to him and washing away his fantasies of becoming one with the night. He was very close to the Forbidden Forest now, close to his favorite daytime hideaway at the edge of the woods. About twenty feet away from him was the little rose garden. It was a favorite place for young lovers to slip away to be alone, but he thought it was odd to hear someone crying there.

Then he recognized one of the voices. Lilly, he thought frantically. Might someone have lured to that spot? Could she be in some sort of trouble? Perhaps he should go back and get help, someone bigger than himself to deal with it. No, there wasn't time for that.

Best thing to do is to get over to the rose wall and have a peek, make sure whatever is happening is the big deal you just imagined it to be, Severus thought. He moved quickly over the grass, grateful that there were no fallen leaves or twigs to betray his presence. When he cam closer he could see that it was Evans and one of her friends, the Bones girl. Lily was weeping while the other girl tried to console her

"What am I going to do," Lilly sobbed.

Marian shook her head. "I would give up on it if I were you, darling. I mean, where's the future in it?"

Lilly shook her head. "It doesn't even make since to me, Marian. Of all the boys to be attracted to why'd it have to be him? He hates me!"

"Oh, no precious. Snape hates everyone," Marian said softly, with no rancor in her voice.

I do _not_ hate everyone, Severus thought furiously.

"I guess you're right," Lilly sighed, tears beginning to dry up.

No she's not, Severus thought, wishing for the courage to just burst from the bushes and confess his own feelings. Then he felt a strong hand on his shoulder grab him and turn him around.

"What are you doing", James Potter shouted, his fine features contorted with anger. "Spying on people in the bushes!"

"I dare say, Prongs, this is cause for immediate reprimand"," Sirius said, his voice and face humorless.

"He was watching Lilly", Peter piped up from where he had bent to look under the bushes.

Marian and Lilly looked at each other.

"My dear, I think we have been intruded upon," Marian said. Her voice was still cool as ever but her face betrayed her alarm.

Lilly rose to her feet quickly and ran to the other side of the rose wall, Marian right behind her. Lilly gasped to see James pummel Severus in the side of his face, knocking him to the ground. Severus reached in to his wand pocket but Sirius kicked his hand away.

"No fair," Sirius taunted him, "Get up and fight like a man."

"Stop it," Lily shouted before she realized the words had come out of her mouth.

James looked over his shoulder at her. "You know what he was doing? He was spying on you!"

Lily felt numb for a moment, and then humiliation burned bright red in her cheeks. "Spying", she repeated.

Severus looked terrified, lying on the ground shaking and covered in a thin sheen of sweat. "I-I-"

Marian strode forward, hands on her hips looking stern. "Well, Potter, Black, Pettigrew, just what were _you_ three doing back here? What's the matter? Did he get your favorite snooping spot?"

"We-"

"What?"

"It was their idea!"

Marian snorted and narrowed her eyes. "Potter, Black, Pettigrew--get out of here. Not that _we_ owe _you_ any explanation, but Lily invited old Snape to come and have a bit of tea and conversation. She was nervous so I came along."

James crossed his arms and stared back at Marian. "I don't believe you."

"Well, you had better believe me and keep that little tidbit of information to yourselves unless you want the Headmaster to know you three were out gallivanting in the night."

"Oy, you'd have to admit that you were out here too," Sirius pointed out.

Marian yawned as if she was bored. "Perhaps, but Pettigrew still has a tail and I would think that is a bit more serious. Eh, Sirius?"

James and Sirius looked at each other with worried expressions on their faces. Sirius grabbed Peter and pulled him back behind them. "Fine, Marian. We'll all just go about our business as usual and forget tonight's little incident," Sirius said, trying to sound as though he could care less.

"Yeah," Peter said.

James nodded his head to where Severus was still lying. "But next time we catch this creep lurking where he shouldn't be, we do him up right."

"Yeah," Peter said again.

Marian raised her wand and aimed it at Peter. "Watch what you say to me or have that tongue of yours removed," she warned. "Now, you three, be good British gentlemen and escort me back to the castle. Ms. Evans and Mr. Snape have things to discuss."

And with a conspirator's wink and an imperial turn she strode off, closely followed by the Marauders, who looked very angry about being outsmarted.

_Some words they don't allow to be spoken_

Lilly watched Marian walk off a way in the distance before turning back to look at Severus. He was standing, dusting off his robes. He was thin, yes, and a little too thin, certainly. And yes, his nose was on the large side; Lilly had to admit. But looking at him in the gentle half-  
light of the moon he was haunting and beautiful. He didn't realize she was looking at him, and for a moment she was allowed to glimpse him without the forbidding mask she had come to believe to be his true face. His eyes were wide, wet and darker than a night without stars. Those eyes burned like the longing and loneliness she felt. His lower lip trembled a little, though it was such a small quiver she might not have noticed it.

This is a face to draw, a face to paint, immortalize, she thought to herself dreamily. This is Everyman lost and alone. Time, which had seemingly slowed as she watched him, suddenly rushed back to remembrance. She took a tiny step forward and cleared her throat.

"Well," she said slowly.

"What," Severus replied, sounding much more severe than he had intended to.

Lilly looked away, beautiful in her torment, Severus mused to himself. "How much of the conversation did you hear.

"Just your dear friend calling me a hateful ogre and you agreeing with her," Severus snapped. He felt vulnerable again. It was to open out here, and she was much to close to the center of him. Had she just seen how scared he was?

"Marian did _not_ call you an ogre," Lilly said quickly. "And you _do_ hate everyone."

"No, not everyone," Severus said, avoiding direct eye contact.

Lilly felt her stomach fall away. So there was already someone else anyway. "Oh, well, it doesn't matter." Anger started to seep into Lilly's thoughts, into her mouth, her words.

"Why? What did you say?"

"Nothing, it doesn't matter."

Severus took a tenuous step closer to her. He felt frantic. This wasn't going well, he needed to get away.

"You could say thank you once in a while, you know," Lilly spat suddenly. "This is the hundredth, hundredth time I've helped you get away from Potter and the rest and you always just treat me all the worse for it!"

Severus didn't know what to say. What could he say to make her understand? And she was better off without the likes of him anyway. Best to make sure she knew that. "Look, Evans, I don't need your help. I don't need anyone's help. Save the bleeding heart crap for lost puppies and fallen birds and leave me alone."

_Just hit me one more time with that live wire_

_Maybe they told you, you were only a girl in a million _

_And you say I've got no feelings_

Severus knew it was a bad idea to watch Lilly so closely the next day. He could never be sure when someone was paying attention to him or not. And with his luck, he definitely should have known better. Never the less, there he sat gloomily munching on a piece of dry toast and slurping his coffee, glancing up from his notes for longer and longer amounts of time to look at her. She looked similarly unhappy. He wished he could fix it, her wished he could be better. He wished she'd look at him.

"I'm going mad," he muttered to himself.

A strong hand clasped his shoulder firmly, on the verge of being painful.

More out of habit than curiosity, Severus turned his head to see the face of Lestrange attached to the hand gripping his shoulder and Lucious Malfoy standing at his elbow.

"What's all this talk of madness, then Snape," Lucious asked, leaning across the table to pluck and apple from the fruit bowl. As he leaned back, he knocked Severus's coffee mug into his lap. "Ooo, scorching is it? Sorry..."

Severus jerked back and to his feet, knocking Lestrange a few steps backward in the process. Lestrange grabbed him by both shoulders and began to jerk him up.

Lucious nodded his head to the door, his amused smile making Severus more nervous than being dragged forcibly to the door. He decided not to struggle, tried to keep in step with Lestrange so as not to cause a scene.

The Entrance Hall was empty since everyone was at breakfast. Severus wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. The three of them stopped here.

"So, I noticed you were out of your bed last night after curfew," Lucious said, pacing back and forth in front of Severus, who was still being held tight. He took a bite out of his apple before continuing. "What were you doing up so late last night?"

Severus shook his head. "Nothing."

Lestrange's grip on his shoulders tightened painfully, causing Severus to cry out. Lucious shoved the apple into his open mouth.

"Don't make so much racket," Lucious spat. He ran his hands through his hair and took a breath. "Now, I'm going to take that apple out of your mouth in just a moment and I'm going to ask you again. Ok?"

Severus nodded. He looked around the hall frantically for help, someone to stop this. There was no one.

"Severus, Severus look at me," Lucious said slowly. "There's no one to help you. Even if they could get you out of this, you're in it much deeper than that. So look at me. If you want help, this, that is to say me, is the only place you're going to get it. Now," he removed the apple from Severus's mouth, "What were you doing out so late last night?"

"I went for a walk," Severus said quickly.

"What else," Lucious asked.

"Noth-Ahhh!" Lestrange had tightened his grip once again. Severus could feel the pain in his shoulders shooting down his arms, spreading into his neck.

"What else," Lucious asked again, smiling a little this time.

"I ran into Potter, his gang, tried to rough me up, I got away," Severus answered, his breath coming in gasps.

"And did that mudblood Evans have anything to do with your little trip to the grounds last night? Think carefully, Severus. Try to remember," Lucious said.

He looks like he's enjoying this, Severus thought as the rest of his mind reeled with pain. God help me, he looks like he's enjoying this.

"Severus, answer the question," Lucious said smoothly, stroking the side of his face.

"No, I didn't see Evans last night," Severus said quickly.

Another burst of pain exploded in Severus's shoulders and he felt his knees begin to shake uncontrollably. He kept losing his balance, but the grip on his shoulders never faltered, causing the pain to be that much stronger every time he slipped. Finally he hung there, supported only by Lestrange's pincer hands, pain ripping through his shoulders and upper back.

"Severus, Severus, Severus...I'm very disappointed in you for lying to me," Lucious said quietly, trying to sound genuinely hurt. "You see, because I know what you were up to last night. And if I didn't believe it, watching you stare at _her_ this morning proves it. Drop him Lestrange."

Severus felt the hard floor collide with his already scraped up knees. He tried to put his arms out to slow his descent but somehow they had just slid out from beneath him. He pushed himself up to his feet and looked back down at the floor. Though his shoulders were throbbing madly, he kept his hands in tight fists at his sides rather than rub them and give Lucious the satisfaction of knowing how badly he was hurt.

"You see, my sources inform me that you had and invitation to, oh, how was it phrased, 'a bit of tea and conversation' with Evans last night. I myself saw that you were not in your dorm or the Common Room last night, and I've others who confirmed that Evans was out after curfew as well," Lucious said smugly.

"What's the point," Severus asked.

"Evans is a distraction from your true purpose, and a dangerous one at that. She'll only cause problems. You aren't to see her or have anything else to do with her. Is that clear," Lucious asked.

Severus nodded. "Crystal."

"And if _you_ don't have enough will power to keep away from her, we'll be forced to take other measures," Lucious said, and the look on his face to Severus that Lucious would be only to happy to exact those other measures.

"Understood," Severus said, nodding.

"Have a good day then," Lucious said as he walked back into the Great Hall.

Lestrange smiled at Severus as he followed.

Confused and just a little frightened for the first time of what he had gotten himself into, Severus staggered out of the entrance hall and back out onto the grounds.

When his feet touched the soft grass of the grounds and he started to run before he realized he had decided to do it or knew why. He didn't question it, instead he let his feet take them where they would, and soon the shadows of ancient trees fell over him and he was tucked just inside the woods in his favorite hiding place.

"Did you see them drag your boy off," Marian whispered to Lily, who had pointedly refused to look at Severus this morning.

Lily looked up at the Slytherin table. Severus wasn't there.

"What happened," Lilly asked.

Marian shook her head, looking bewildered. "Malfoy and Lestrange," she whispered. "They dragged him out into the hall and he didn't come back in with them."

Lilly stood up quickly but Marian jerked her back into her seat. "Not so fast, my dear. This might have something to do with what happened last night. We should both get up slowly, gather our books and head out together. It looks less suspicious that way."

Lilly nodded, slowly gathered her things together, trying to look as if she didn't have a care in the world, and turned to Marian. "Ready?"

"Yes, let's go," Marian nodded.

The two of them stood up together, arranged their satchels, took their time saying bye to Victoria and Natasha, and then began to walk out.

"Smile darling, they're watching us. You mustn't give us away," Marian said, laughing after she said it.

Lilly smiled convincingly, "What's funny."

"I'm pretending you've just told me a funny joke," Marian said laughing a little more.

Once they were out into the hall Lilly turned a serious face to Marian. "Now what? He could have gone anywhere."

"Well, that's up to you darling. I could care less about the little... What do you want to do?"

"I don't know, he'll probably just be angry with me if I come after him," Lilly said with a disheartened sigh.

"Perhaps, but like I said, it's up to you."

Lilly turned to t go to the library. "I, just forget him. Right?"

Marian patted Lily on the arm. "If it's what you want to do. I'm going to the library, care to come?"

Lilly stared out the window. Blue skies, green grass; Saturday morning was calling her outside. "No, I think I'll stroll the grounds for a bit. It's too nice a day to waste inside."

Once she was on the grounds again she felt unsure of her direction. She wandered aimlessly for a while, staring at the ground as it moved beneath her feet. She tried not to think about last night, about seeing him so scared and alone. She tried not to think about how he had looked almost sad when he told her to leave him alone. Why did he have to be such a dunderhead?

When she looked up she realized she was standing in front of Hagrid's. She smiled, wondered if he would be home. She knocked on the door and waited. Yes, she could hear Fang, Hagrid's new puppy, scurrying around the door excitedly, sniffing at the crack.

The massive door swung open. Hagrid look crumpled-faced. He had just woken up. Lily wondered if she had woken him.

"Lilly," Hagrid said, "Good ter see yeh, come in, come in. Fang! Yeh damn dog, git back 'ere!"

The massive puppy had just shot out onto the grounds and was turning back around.

"There's a good dog, come on now! Come back," Hagrid shouted.

And as puppy's have the irritating habit of doing, Fang made like he was running back to the house only to veer off course at the last second and shoot into the Forbidden Forest.

Hagrid sighed heavily and cursed under his breath. "Looks like I'm gonna' have te' chase tha' runt down. Won't take long if ye' would like to wait, Lil."

"Oh! Let me go with you," Lilly pleaded. "Please? I've never been in the forest before!"

"Tha's cause it's forbidden," Hagrid said, slowly emphasizing the last word.

Lily frowned. "Come on! Fang won't have gone in too far! And it's day time!"

"Out of the question, out of the question," Hagrid said as he grabbed up his crossbow and large piece of rope.

Lily picked up Hagrid's pink umbrella and looked at it thoughtfully.

"What 'er ye' doin' with that," Hagrid asked, reaching for it.

Lilly stepped back and shrugged. "I was just thinking, it's a very unusual umbrella, I haven't ever seen anything like it! I saw you light a fire with it one day, little sparks flew out the end..."

Hagrid frowned. "What 'er ye' getting' at?"

Lilly shrugged. "Well, I know you're not supposed to do magic, or have a wand for that matter. And an umbrella would be _the_ place to hide your broken one... and well, I think we could strike a bargain."

Hagrid's frown deepened. "Oh? And wot would tha' be?"

Lily smiled at him. "Take me with you and I'll teach you some things!"

Hagrid groaned, trying not to sound to pleased. "Alright Lily, you got yerself a deal. Le's go, we're wastin' time 'ere!"

Lily nodded and followed him out of his hut.

"Now, if I have to go in much deeper than the outskirts, you're going right back out, missy," Hagrid said seriously.

"Right," Lilly agreed.

"And if anything dang'rous 'appens, yer to do exactly as I tell yeh'," Hagrid demanded.

"Of course."

"How's next Saturday?"

"Hmm?"

"Fer, ye know, me lessens," Hagrid whispered.

"Oh, Saturday mornings are fine, Hagrid."

As they walked around in the wood Lily was a little disappointed. The forest was magnificent, huge trees formed canopies stories above here, massive roots stood up from the red ground, and all the plants were very pretty. But there was nothing particularly exciting about any of it.

Then she noticed that there were no birds singing. An eerie feeling crept up her spine. It was frighteningly unnatural. She tried to shake the feeling off as she quickened her pace to keep up with Hagrid.

Something tickled her noses, a familiar smell that seemed out of place. Tobacco smoke..."Hagrid, do you smell tha-"

Hagrid rose a finger to his lips and waved at her to stay closer. The two of them crept up closer and closer to a small clearing surrounded by thick bramble and shrubbery. A shirtless boy was sitting there rubbing some sort of salve on the fresh, ugly marks on his shoulders, a cigarette balanced between index and middle finger of the hand holding the small jar. There were other marks there: scars, half-healed bruises, and scabbed-over welts. Fang was sitting at the boy's feet having the backs of his ears scratched by the boy's free hand between rubbing more ointment on.

Lily gasped at the sight of the terrible bruises, causing the boy to turn around, looking surprised and then angry. It was Severus.

"Who's there," he demanded, jerking his robe back on and fumbling with his tie. "I said who's there?" He snatched out his wand and pointed it in their direction.

Hagrid motioned for Lilly to stay put as he stood up slowly. "Jes' me, I wes lookin' fer the dog."

Severus looked relieved and tossed the burning butt over his shoulder. "He's right here, he's fine", he said, reaching down to pet Fang. "Go around to the other side, there's a place where one edge of the thorns goes back farther, you should be able to squeeze through."

Hagrid motioned for Lilly to stay put and quiet and then disappeared around the edge of the bramble. Lilly watched, fascinated, from her spot low to the ground as Hagrid struggled through the gap on the other side.

"Well, there 'e is," Hagrid said happily, looking down at Fang. "Thanks fer lookin' out fer 'im. He gets los' easy an' 'e's a right coward if ever there was one."

Severus shrugged. "He's a good dog. What's his name?"

"Fang, kinda ironic, eh," Hagrid said with a laugh. He picked up the large puppy and deposited him beneath one of his massive arms. "Now, wotcha' doin' out 'ere by yerself? Ye' know students aren't supposed to be out 'ere."

Severus glared at him. "I just wanted some privacy. And I can take care of myself."

"Hold on, there. I was jes' askin'. If ye' want some privacy it's yer business. I jes' wanted to make sure you was alright, s'all," Hagrid said, sounding mildly surprised. "I no teacher, ye' know. If ye' wanna' come out 'ere it's fine by me. Jes' don't go any father than this. Gets a might bit hairy past 'ere."

Severus nodded and replaced his wand in his pocket. "Thanks for the advice. I guess I'll be going now."

"Wait, son, what's yer name," Hagrid asked, moving the crossbow to the hand holding Fang and extending his free hand.

Severus hesitantly shook the massive hand, winced slightly at Hagrid's grip, and said; "I'm Severus Snape. You're Hagrid, right?"

"Yeh, tha's me. Come by sometime when yer free, I'll show ye' about the woods a bit."

The corner of Severus's lip twitched a little as he struggled to suppress a smile. "You could do that? I mean, the Headmaster wouldn't mind?"

Hagrid shrugged. "Well, I'll 'ave to ask, o' course, but if it's fer educational purposes, I can't see 'im mindin'."

Severus nodded. "Right, well, see you around Hagrid."

"See ye'," Hagrid said, disappearing into the bramble again and coming around to the side where Lilly was hiding.

They walked a fair way back to Hagrid's hut in silence. Lilly watched Hagrid, both confused and amazed. She didn't understand why Hagrid had said nothing about the bruises and welts on Severus's back. He might have needed to go to the hospital wing. But she was amazed at how easily Hagrid had talked to him, how Hagrid had put Severus off his defensive.

"What 'er ye' lookin' at me like that fer," Hagrid asked, fastening the rope around Fang's neck for a leash.

"It's just, you didn't say anything to him about all those bruises," Lilly blurted out.

"Weren't just bruises, look's te' me like he might have had a cracked rib or to healin' up," Hagrid said, his voice deep with controlled anger.

"See! That's what I mean! He should have gone to the hospital wing or something, and whoever did that deserves punishment," Lilly said, tears coming to her eyes.

Hagrid nodded. "Yer right, Lil, but ye' don't understand how men are. If I had told him I saw what I did, 'e woulda' been ashamed. Maybe even angry with me. Men don' like to be seen as weak, ye' see."

"But if someone stronger, bigger than him did it then there was nothing he could have done is there," Lilly said, frustrated.

Hagrid shook his head. "No, nothin' he coulda' done. But 'e don't see it like that. He sees 'imself as weak, an' to 'im those injuries are proof of it. Sides, I'm not 'is mother."

Lilly wiped at her eyes. She didn't understand and she didn't think she wanted to. "If someone hit me like that, I'd go straight to Marian and tell her all about it."

Hagrid pushed the door to his hut open. "Yeh' want te' come in fer a minute. I think we need te' finish the conversation."

Lilly nodded. When she went in she put the kettle over the fire and set out cups and spoons for tea.

Hagrid sat down heavily, causing his large chair to creak beneath his weight. "Now, ye' said you'd got right to Marian if somethin' like tha' happened to yeh', but I've seen 'im around. Don't think he 'as any friends, at least not close 'uns."

Lilly frowned. "I think you're right. The only person I ever seen him with is Lucious Malfoy."

"Now there's a face to avoid," Hagrid said.

Lilly shrugged. "I know. I worry about him."

Hagrid smiled. "Someone needs to," he looked up at the large grandfather clock. "Hmmm, yeh' need to be getting' back."

"But we haven't even had tea!"

"Lilly, it's past tea-time. It's five after six."

"But we weren't in the forest that long, Hagrid! You should have your clock checked," Lilly protested.

"Look outside, it's getting' darker."

Lilly looked outside and indeed, the shadows of the trees and the castle covered nearly half the grounds in shade. She looked back at Hagrid alarmed.

He laughed loudly. "Tha's the thing about the Forbidden Forrest, one o' the things tha' makes it dangerous, too. Time don't seem to pass right there, we've been gone for hours."

Lilly grabbed her satchel off the table, slung it over her shoulder, pecked Hagrid on the cheek and shot out the door, tearing off towards the castle.

"Where have you been, Severus," Lucious asked as Snape staggered into the Slytherin common room.

Severus fought to disguise his insolent look as surprise. "I went out to the woods. I wanted some thinking time."

Lucious yawned. "Oh, well, I figured you'd gone to sulk somewhere. Did you take care of the business with Evans?"

Severus closed his eyes for a moment and stroked his temples. He could feel the headache coming on. Biting back his anger, he answered, "There's no business to take care of. What needed to be said was said last night."

Lucious leaned his head back into Narcissa's lap and she stroked his fine heavy hair. "Hmm, that so? You might have said something earlier then. The incident in the Entrance hall was entirely unnecessary."

Severus nodded. "I've got to go to the library. I have some things I want to look up. I just thought I'd let you know."

Lucious did not bother with an answer. Severus stood there for a moment before leaving the common room. He didn't have any real intentions to go to the library when he had said it; he just needed some excuse to get away from Lucious. Now that he thought about it, he did need to go research the properties of monkshood, so he trudged off to the library.

When he passed the Great Hall he could smell the food and his stomach rumbled, reminding him that all he'd eaten that day was a piece of toast and a few sips of coffee. He veered off course and entered, the aroma of roast beef, pudding, spinach soufflé, mashed potatoes, and rolls hit him in the face. His stomach voiced its complaint again so he sat down at his table quickly and began to pile his food on his plate.

As he dug into his large portion of roast beef he sensed someone behind him. He turned around to see a very angry girl standing, arms across her chest and trying to bore holes in his back with her eyes. He looked at her tie, red and gold. He sighed heavily. God only knew what she wanted. Before Severus could ask she took a hasty seat next to him.

"Can I help you," he asked, feeling thoroughly put out.

"Yes, I'm Marian Bones, Lily's best friend," she said as though it should have some meaning to him.

"What's your point," he asked, filling his goblet with pumpkin juice.

Marian twirled one of her golden strands of hair around her finger as she stared at him. "Well, I'm wanted to know just what your intentions are towards her, and if you've seen her today."

Severus looked at her, alarmed and amazed. "I'm sorry I don't keep tabs on every girl I meet. And what exactly makes you think I have 'intentions' towards her? I barely know her."

Marian shrugged. "I've seen you watching her," she said coolly, as if it were something she might mention to anybody.

Severus's alarm turned to panic. "I-I don't know what you mean. I have more important things than _her _to be getting on with"

Marian sighed dramatically. "Oh, don't be a twit. You know exactly what I mean. It's always from a distance, over a stack of books in the library, from across the Great Hall at meal times, while you study on the grounds... if we're anywhere near you you've got an eye to her. And she watches you almost as closely. You're both so horribly irritating in your oblivion. I'm not the only one who's noticed either."

"Is that so," Severus asked, tying to sound incredulous.

Marian smiled. "Yes it is. James Potter for instance. He sees you look at Lilly, sees her watch you, it drives him absolutely mad. He's crazy for her and she's all nutters over you and you obviously worship the ground she walks on!"

"Please, I've heard quite enough! I don't worship _anything_, especially not the sodden tracks of some witless girl," Severus insisted.

Marian laughed loudly and long. "Please, Mr. Snape. I saw you just this week in the hall, trailing your hand on the wall where Lily had touched it just minutes ago. Let's not pretend things are not as they are. It's not becoming of us. You are caught. In fact you were caught last night watching her in the rose garden by Potter himself. I saved your skin; they were ripe to bust you. The least you could do is tell the truth."

Severus frowned, bit his lip, and pushed his plate away. Resting his elbows on the table he turned and looked at her steadily. She might be incredibly annoying, but she was right and she knew it. "Let's suppose, my mad friend, that you are correct in your ravings. What then, pray tell, do you want me to say?"

"I want you, darling, to first find Lilly and talk to her. She is absolutely distressed over you. I can't bear to see it. Confess all to your secret love and enjoy the fruit of it," Marian said with a satisfied sigh.

"Woman, if I wanted poetry I would be in the library," Severus retorted. He threw up his hands, "There's a flaw in your great plan, anyway. I can't do that. I wish that I could, but Lucious for one would never allow me to get side tracked by-"

Marian moaned. "Not _that_ useless git! Who cares about Lucious Malfoy? Lily Evans is mad with desire for you, and if she doesn't find a way to reach you, then she'll be heartbroken forever. Slytherin or no Slytherin, you can't possibly be so ambition-crazed as to pass this by. If you do you are a heartless moron."

Severus rose from the table and began to walk off.

"Where are you going," Marian called after him.

Severus shot and angry look over his shoulder as he continued to the door. "To find her!"

Marian smiled and grabbed a roll off the table. A Slytherin girl stopped and stared at her.

"What are you doing here", the girl asked.

Marian offered her part of the roll. "Have you tried these? They're truly amazing. Pastry is really an art, don't you think?"

Lily sat in a lonely part of the library. A plaque on the shelf above her read "Muggle Fiction". The other students rarely came to this all but forgotten corner of the massive library so she felt quite safe in hiding out here to have a nice long sob. She wasn't even sure why she was crying, but she was certain she didn't want to be bothered by anybody while she got on with it.

She heard footsteps approaching and she scrubbed at her eyes, hoping no one would notice. Raising a book to hide her face she tried to look inconspicuous as possible. She was surprised when long finely sculpted fingers reached over the top of the book and pulled it away from her. She looked up to find herself staring back at Severus Snape. He looked confused as she was as he set the book down on the table.

"What do you want," she asked, feeling the hot tears seep back into her eyes.

He reached across the table and brushed them away, his thumb a little hard on her cheek. "For you to stop crying," Severus said, and then as an afterthought, "Now and forever. I'm not worth all this."

She stood up and flung her arms around him. She heard him wince softly and she stepped back, feeling foolish for having forgotten what she'd seen. She ran her fingers through his lank hair and then blushed.

"We should talk," Severus said, sitting down in the armchair next to hers.

Lilly's heart was pounding. She wasn't sure of what was going on, whether it was a good thing or not, or if she wanted to find out. She watched him, waiting for what he would say next. He sat hunched down in the chair, looking thoroughly miserable and confused.

Finally he took a deep breath and said, "Lilly, I'm sorry, but nothing can ever happen between us."

She sat back in her chair. The room seemed to become fuzzy around her. There was an odd buzzing noise in her ears that consumed the silence. "What do you mean?"

Severus scrubbed at his face. "It's for the best. You don't understand my position."

"What position is that," she snapped.

"I care for you, I do. But there is more going on in this world, even here at school, than you know about and that's for the best."

"I don't care what house you're in, I don't care what you've done, what you're doing, I don't care about any of that. You- I- look at me, Severus!"

He turned his head to look at her reluctantly. God, she was crying again. How could he make this stop?

"When I look at you, when we've spoken, you've always been so cruel. But then when you don't realize I'm watching you, you look so sad, so hurt. I see the real person behind all your imitations. You try to act like you don't care, like no one can even touch you, when all the time you're so miserable. Why can't you just be real for one second, just let me in for a moment?"

Severus looked away. How was it possible that she could do this to him? All this time he had worked so hard to hide it all, even from himself, and here she comes to drag it all into light. He was about to speak when she lunged forward, grabbed his face with her warm hands and twisted it gently towards her.

"I don't care who we are, just kiss me and let things go where they will," Lilly said.

His heart stopped. He was sure. He was dead. This could not be happening. This was a dream. And since it was a dream there could be no consequences for what would happen next. So he closed his eyes and leaned in, brushing her lips with his own hesitantly, then pressing against them again slowly. As they kissed he trailed his hand up hers and then rested it on her cheek. It was still damp from her crying. He was glad this was all a dream, otherwise he would have hated himself for making her cry.

When they parted she was smiling and he laughed nervously. So that's a kiss, he thought happily, little auras of color floating before his eyes. And I suppose those would be the fireworks. He felt euphoric and new.

"What now," he asked her.

Lilly shrugged.

"Uh-uh, this was your idea, dreadful as it may be, Ms. Evans. Surely you have some sort of plan."

"I suppose we'll have to keep this a secret," Lilly said with a smile.

Severus nodded. "That's the truth and I'm serious."

"No you're not, you're Severus."

He smiled despite himself. He'd often thought that when someone used the phrase but had never said it. "Don't get cute. You know what I mean. We should go on about our business as though we have nothing to do with each other. In fact, I need to get back to my house."

Lilly nodded. "Yeah, it's getting late and I have homework. But when will I see you again?"

"When the time is right, I'll let you know," he told her.

She rose to go he bragged her hand. He was smiling, really smiling. Something inside her melted in a blaze of white heat.

"Goodnight," he whispered, wishing he didn't have to let go of her hand.

"Pleasant dreams," she said breathlessly.

Severus watched her as she went, thinking he could die now, hoping the sun did not rise tomorrow because at that moment everything was perfect in a way he knew it could never be perfect again.


	3. Part III Hurt

Part III; Hurt

_I hurt myself today __to see if I still feel_

_I focus on the pain __the only thing that's real_

Severus rubbed the underside of his chin and looked around. Everything dark, darker than that. Black as pitch. He couldn't see anything. The room was entirely void of light. What was more frightening than this swallowing darkness was the fact that he couldn't remember what he was doing here, how he had gotten here? His head throbbed, his eyes ached. He knew he'd been crying but why? He couldn't remember that either.

Light flooded the room. He looked up in its direction to see a house elf pushing open a high window that had been painted black. The elf smiled at him for a moment before scampering down the wall and out the door.

With vision renewed, Severus looked around again. He was in a dungeon. There was a cot beneath him, a table holding his breakfast to his right that looked surreally out of place. The dungeon door was cracked open. He was at Hogwart's. It was summer time. He was a half-prisoner of the Order of the Phoenix. Dumbledore had been trying to convince him that it was possible for him to make amends for all his wrong doings.

Lilly Evans Potter was dead. That thought reverberated in his mind, sending waves of imagined pain through him. He kicked the table over, sending the food, glass, and the table flying through the air and splattering, breaking, and shattering against the door and the wall. He rolled over, grief harnessing him again. As he lay there, too tired to cry now, he thought about how pleasant it had been to wake up as though nothing had happened, confused and forgetful. It was like for a second Lilly was still alive. He sighed. thinking like that would get him no where.

He remembered that he hadn't showered or shaved in a long time, how long he wasn't sure. The beard was itchy, but he didn't really care about that. And he was certain he smelled terrible, but that didn't seem to matter. Before he event thought to rise to find a bathroom his grief crushed him to the cot again. He closed his eyes and begged whatever unmerciful god that had created him, watched him all these years, and ignored his every plea, to just let him go back to sleep and dream of Lilly.

Soon the throbbing in his temples dulled and he felt his eyelids become heavy. He shut them. His ragged breathing soon smoothed out and his breaths drew in longer. Sleep claimed him and dreams of the past took him far away from his pain and his helplessness.

_Try to kill it all away_

_But I remember everything_

Lilly was sitting next to him on the cot when he woke up, fingers combing through his hair the way she used to. She smiled at him, kissed his cheek as he sat up slowly and took her in his arms. Sobs racked his body.

"How is this possible? You're dead," he said in a shuttering voice.

Lilly hushed him, cooed to him, rocked him gently in her arms, stroking his head as he wept. "It doesn't matter, I'm here now."

Severus looked up her. She was glowing with a soft golden light. "I failed you, god, I am so sorry. I'm so-" he choked on the lump in his throat, unable to finish his sentence.

Lilly stood up suddenly, backed away from him. he watched as her complexion turned gray, cracked, peeled away from her face. Her eyes sunk back into her skull and two shiny green eyes with shrunken pupils stared back at him. she raised a skeletal, fleshless hand to her hair to brush it back from her face and it came away with long red strands of hair.

"You did this to me," she shrieked at him.

"No," he shouted, reaching for her as she began to crumble.

"You did this!"

Severus fell of the bed towards her as she collapsed. He lifted her skeleton into his arms, placed a shaking hand on her boney forehead. "No," he wept, "I'd never..."

But it was too late she turned to dust in his hands and sifted through his fingers onto the floor.

Someone far away was screaming. He wondered who it was. They sounded oddly familiar. And they wouldn't stop screaming he stood up slowly, shaking, and turned around. He was sitting on the bed, screaming as he watched what had happened to Lilly.

_What have I become_

_My sweetest friend_

Severus opened his eyes. He was sitting up in the bed, drenched in cold sweat. He was shaking. He took a deep breath, told himself it was only a dream. The door swung open. He was about to tell Dumbledore to shove off, only to feel ice shoot through his veins at the sight of his intruder.

Lucious Malfoy was leaning on the door frame, smiling at him. "Pleasant dreams, I take it?"

Severus rubbed at his eyes. He looked around again and remembered that the dungeon at Hogwart's had a narrow window set much higher in the wall than this one. "What's going on," he asked, his voice raspy.

Malfoy sneered at him. "I saved your hide, my dear friend. Dumbledore had you, don't you remember?"

Severus nodded, trying to think. If he could just get his heart to slow down a little so that it would stop making so much racket in his head he would be able to think. And this wasn't just a matter of scraping out of trouble. This was a matter of survival. "Thank you, Lucious," he managed at last.

"Of course. I couldn't leave my most valued servant in the clutches of the enemy could I? So where is the boy," Lucious asked, skipping to the point.

Severus shook his head. he really didn't know.

"What do you mean," Lucious asked, there was desperation behind his angry tone.

"I found the boy, I was going to kill him, when Sirius Black came out of nowhere and attacked me! He and that great oaf Hagrid. They pinned me, took the boy. Black was all set to kill me but that stupid giant insisted Dumbledore be the one to deal with me," Severus said, shaking his head.

Lucious laughed. Then he stopped, struggled to regain his cool and said, "Sorry, sorry, you couldn't know, could you?"

Severus looked at him confused. "What?"

"It's just, Sirius Black has been arrested for conspiring in the murders of James and Lilly Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and some twenty or thirty muggles! They'll have that git in Azkaban by next Tuesday! Can you believe it," Lucious said with another laugh.

Severus shook his head. "Why would they arrest Sirius Black of all people for all of that?"

"They think he was the Potter's Secret Keeper. I mean, he was best man at their wedding, it holds to reason, eh? And apparently he _did_ kill Pettigrew. The papers and the ministry think Pettigrew tracked him down, and being the bungler he was, didn't manage to kill Black, thereby getting himself killed on the spot.

"The hilarity if it though is that Black has _never_ had anything to do with us, not as far as I am aware", Lucious said, matching a cigar and offering one to Snape.

The smell of the smoke send a wave of nausea through Snape and he shuttered at the one offered him. "No, thank you Lucious. I'm feeling rather ill."

Lucious frowned. "You definitely don't look healthy. In fact, you look quite mad. That wild beard you've grown definitely needs to be shorn and your hair is in tangles. Shall I send someone to attend to it for you?"

Severus shook his head. "No, it doesn't matter."

Lucious narrowed his eyes and studied the man before him. "You seem different, Severus. What's the matter? And what was all that screaming about? You liked to have scared every house elf in this part of the manner to death."

"I have not felt myself as of late. I don't know what's wrong with me," Severus said, contemplating his words for a moment and deciding they were the truest he'd spoken in a long time.

Lucious nodded. "Well, you don't look as though you've slept in ages. I'll have you moved up to one of the guest rooms but first tell me all the details of your encounter with Dumbledore."

"He wants to win me over, the old fool. Something about redemption and atonement, second chances, the usual nonsense," Severus said with a negligent shrug, pretending to have only half listened to anything Dumbledore may have said to him.

To Severus surprise, Luscious's eyes brightened. "You're serious?"

_You're not Sirius, you're Severus_, a little voice from his memories whispered.

"Yes, why," Severus asked.

"That's fantastic," Lucious said, laughing again.

Unsettled, Severus ventured, "How is that bleeding heart nonsense fantastic, Lucious?"

"Oh! And the old Potions teacher just retired, this couldn't have worked out better if I had planned it, our Master will be pleased," Lucious continued as though he hadn't heard anything Severus had said. "But Cartwright wasn't even a Potions Master, and you are... this is splendid."

"What's splendid," Severus asked, feeling yet another headache coming on.

Lucious looked at him suddenly. "You are going to escape from here, tonight and flee to Dumbledore. You're going to tell him everything I tell you to, beg his forgiveness, tell him whatever you like but convince him that you've seen the light! Offer to become a spy for him, offer to finger other Death Eaters, the way they usually do when they run from the Dark Lord. Work your way into his confidence. It will take some time but this will work, wonderfully."

"You want me to become a double agent," Severus said, wishing that Lucious had said it himself. Luscious had always loved the sound of his own voice.

"Exactly, and apply for the Potions teacher position while you're at it. No one will be more qualified than you, that I'm sure of. And Dumbledore will want to keep you close and of course _we_ want you close to him. This is excellent. I must inform the Dark Lord as soon as possible," Luscious said with a smile.

A stab of panic from a hidden hand. "What has become of our master, Luscious," Severus asked.

"He's, well, a bit out of it if you will. Out of body actually. Right now the entire wizarding world thinks he's dead. They're all celebrating that brat of the Potters for destroying him. Calling him the boy who lived. In time, the little bastard will pay, the Dark Lord will see to that," Luscious said, pausing grimly before continuing, a manic gleam in his eyes. "He will be back Severus, and the faithful will be rewarded. When he returns to take over, I will be quite favored if we succeed here. this could be crucial in Dumbledore's undoing."

Severus nodded.

Luscious was quiet for a while, regarding Severus with a thoughtful gaze. "But you look like you're in decent shape for someone who ha just escaped from dark wizards powerful enough to kidnap you right from underneath Dumbledore's crooked nose. Get up," Luscious commanded.

Shakily, Severus stood. The room swayed around him. When had he last eaten, he wondered. "What do you want me to do?"

Luscious smiled. "I take it you've been gone so long that you don't recall standard procedure?"

Severus took a shaky step back, yes, he remembered. "Is this entirely necessary?"

Luscious nodded. "Unless you have something to hide. You know all operatives recovered from the enemy must be tested through pain to insure they did not release any secrets to the enemy. Of course if you are a traitor, you could go ahead and tell me now."

Severus frowned angrily, as though the insinuation of being anything less than faithful to the Dark Lord was the worst insult he had ever had hurled at him. He turned around and thrust his hands behind his back. "I am ready to prove my loyalty."

"Spoken like one of the faithful," Luscious said, smiling even wider.

_I will let you down_

_I will make you hurt_

Severus remembered, thankfully, very little of what happened after he had given himself up to be tested. Rosier had come in to assist in the testing, to make sure Luscious didn't get so caught up in it that he actually killed Severus, to allow Luscious to break from time to time while he continued, and because he was an expert at torturing the truth from people.

Luscious had bound his wrists behind his back and then raised his arms up over his head at an excruciating angle, and hung him on the wall like that. It was a very simple form of non-magical torture that was also effective in keeping the victim from moving very far or doing visible damage to himself.

Their hands were bound and their heads were forced down. This way they couldn't claw or hit themselves and they couldn't bang their heads against the wall, table, floor, or anything else. He was to exhausted before Luscious and Rosier had even started to kick himself or anything else.

After that, most of his memory was fuzzy and soft. He remembered screaming, he remembered feeling tiny sparks covering his body and burrowing into him, an occasional question, a reply, more of the same. He could hear things that shouldn't be snapping, snapping.

Something wet and warm trickled down his chin, Rosier laughed, apparently Severus had screamed himself bloody. They had stopped, they were taking a break. Luscious poured something icy cold down his throat. He couldn't think clearly enough to identify anything about it. then everything got dark. He wasn't asleep, something was covering his eyes, a wet cloth.

A pinching sensation moved up his body starting at his toes. As it moved higher the feeling intensified and soon he was moaning, begging them to stop, just stop. It soon felt like his feet were flattening out and folding themselves together.

Silence, his feet slowly felt like they were unfolding, which was somehow more painful. They were discussing what to do next and asking him questions, he was drifting away into memory. Somewhere they couldn't find him...the pain faded out, wasn't happening at all.

He opened his eyes and found himself walking down Diagon Alley. He was alone, turning towards Knocktun Alley when a street sign he'd never noticed before caught his eye. It read Impartia Alley. He shrugged and decided to explore. It was a colorful, largely residential area. Most of the houses were broken down and shabby. They would have looked divey if it weren't for the bright colors they were painted in.

The yards looked like large, unkept beds of wildflowers and he could see the tops of curly heads, small children most likely, popping up and running around in the forests of flowers. The occasional long haired man or woman could be seen lounging on the porch reading or at the side of the house hanging up clothes and sheets.

As he strolled down the street feeling lost and out of place two familiar faces caught his attention. They were coming out of a book store coffee house at the end of the street. The two pointed at him and waved. He tried to turn away and dodge into a house with "library" painted on its sagging roof in neon green scrolling letters before they noticed him.

"Severus," shouted Lilly.

He could hear her feet beating their way across the dirt street. He gave up trying to hide and turned around.

"Do I know you," he asked slowly as Remus Lupin approached them.

Remus laughed, a sound that would have been frightfully similar to a howl if it weren't for the accompanying good natured smile on his face. "Don't be a joker."

Lily tilted her head to one side and frowned, looking thoughtful. Severus shifted uneasily beneath her probing gaze, he felt like she had just opened up his chest like a cabinet door and was peering at the secrets hidden within him.

"What have you been up to these days, Sev," Lily asked, sounding worried. "You look ill, quite ill."

Severus felt his face self consciously, wondering just how bad he looked. He felt clammy, even with the summer sun beating down on his face and warming his back. He shook his head. "Nothing really, just uh... working on getting a grant. I'm trying to find a potion to cure lycanthropy."

Remus's eyes lit up. "Really, well, you know who to ask if you need a guinea pig."

Severus nodded, wondering why it only made him feel despicable to lie when Lily was around.

"What brings you around these parts," Lilly asked. "Doesn't seem like your kind of place."

"What's that supposed to mean," he snapped. "Too colorful, to bright? I suppose you'd rather see me skulking about Knockturn Alley like some sort of low life."

Lily frowned. "Sev, you know that's not what I meant."

Severus turned on his heel and brushed past the two of them, glad to have a reason to get away from the conversation. _Coward, running from a pregnant woman,_ a voice whispered in the back of his mind. He stopped. That was what it was, why he'd been avoiding her for so long. He couldn't bare the thought of Lily being married, having _his_ child.

Severus turned around looking ashamed, he opened his mouth to say something but before he could get the words out he heard an explosion and everything went black.

When he opened his eyes he was in a small jail cell. A large red faced Auror was sitting on a stool, arms crossed and watching him closely. The man was tall, six feet at least with thick curly blonde hair cut close to his head. Severus rubbed his eyes and studied the man's face. Frank Longbottom. Severus sat up slowly, the whole room spun around him for a moment, he touched a hand to his head and felt something warm and sticky at his temple, his hand came away red.

He stood up and grasped the bars. "What in the hell am I doing here?"

Longbottom narrowed his eyes. "Interrogation."

Severus felt a cold wave of fear rise up within him. he shook his head, which turned out to be a bad idea because the room began to sway around him. he waited for the motion to stop before saying, "This is absolutely ridiculous. I should be in a hospital, not this damn cell! I'm bleeding! I could be concussed!"

"What were you doing on Impartia Alley," Longbottom asked.

Severus frowned, tried to remember. "I'd never been there before, I was talking to Remus Lupin and Lily Evans. Then there was a boom, everything went dark."

Longbottom's frown deepened. "Lily _Potter_ is in the hospital, she was attacked by a squad of Death Eaters, killed the baby she was carrying, nearly did her in too."

Longbottom stood up and walked towards the bars. "So tell me, what were you doing on Impartia Alley."

Severus slammed his fist against the bars. "I already told you, I was just looking around, said hello to Lily and Remus and then I lost consciousness! I demand to see your superior! This is an outrage."

Longbottom reached through the bars and grabbed the collar of Severus's shirt. He yanked Severus towards him, causing him to smash his face against the bars. "You're not hearing me right, Snape," Longbottom shouted. "I want to know what a wizard known to specialize in poisons with a Dark Arts hobby was doing on Impartia Alley, an area known to house half-bloods, muggle-borns, squibs, and their muggle spouses!"

Severus's eyes widened. "You think I'm a Death Eater!"

"That's right, I do."

"You're wrong!"

Frank released Severus, let him fall to the floor. "We'll see how willing you are to talk after a bit of persuasion."

Severus's mind reeled. "I don't understand..."

"You're going to stay in here until you talk."

Frank opened the cell door and started rolling his robe sleeves up.

Severus began to tremble. He reached for his wand. It was gone. should have known. He backed up to the wall. "This is a mistake."

"You should have seen the look on Lily's face when she found out she'd lost the baby, I was there when they brought her in," Frank said, moving forward slowly.

Severus shook his head. "I don't want to hear this!"

"Should have seen her cry. Poor thing, you'd think her heart was broken. Took a lot of potion to get her to calm down. And then she- she asked if you and Remus were ok."

Severus buried his face in his hands. "I didn't do it! I swear to god!"

"How could you break her heart like that," Frank asked, sounding disgusted.

Severus fell to the floor on his knees as Frank moved closer and closer. A booted foot caught him under the chin, sent him reeling back against the wall again. He resigned himself to what was about to happen. A knee kicked him on his face. He wondered if Lily would ever be the same again.

_The old familiar sting_

"Stop," Rosier commanded, carefully watching Severus.

Luscious lowered his wand and wiped his forehead with the back of his left arm. "What?"

"Listen, he's babbling nonsense now," Rosier said. "If we go on we might break his mind."

"We haven't been doing it long enough, it's only been a few hours," Luscious spat testily.

"It isn't a matter of time when it comes to torturing and destroying your victim Luscious. There are other more important variables involved. Stress levels, age, physical health, mental health, traumatic experiences-- these are very important things to know when contemplating what to do with the victim," Rosier said, a strange light in his eyes.

Rosier motioned to the prone man on the wall, "He's been deprived of sleep for days, maybe a few hours here and there, and then he has nightmares. He was gaunt when we hung him up there, hasn't eaten, hasn't shaved. He's given up on life."

"What makes you say that," Luscious asked.

"He was never much on pride in appearance but he was always clean shaven, didn't want a beard getting in the way of his potion making I'd wager," Rosier mused, moving a stool up to the wall and climbing on top of it.

"Dumbledore would have offered him all the accommodations of the castle, try to win him over through kindness," Luscious said with a cruel laugh.

Rosier loosened the ropes around Severus's hands and caught him over his shoulder before he fell to the flower in one practiced movement. Rosier stepped down easily and laid Severus on the bed. "I don't think he's hiding anything, if he was he would have spilled something to go on, and at any rate if he's cracked too soon or too roughly he'll be useless and mad."

Luscious tilted his head and looked thoughtful. He gave an ironic laugh. "You're almost..._tender_ when it comes to this."

Rosier nodded. "I suppose, one must have the care of a lover in order to do it right. There are so many things one can do, if done at just the right moment, to yield whatever results you desire. It is an art."

"And you are the master, but don't put that salve on his wounds, it must look like he escaped," Luscious said, patting Rosier on the shoulder. "Come on, let's bring him around and get him out of here."

_I wear this crown of .... Upon my liar's chair_

_Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair_

Severus's head lolled on his shoulder, he opened his eyes. Fat drops of rain splattered against his face. Everything was blurry. He was soaked. He lifted his head slowly and the world around him spun. He turned his head and retched. A bit of bile scorched the back of his throat. Another dry heave, nothing. He tried to take a deep breath and steady himself.

His body was shaking uncontrollably as he marshaled his thoughts, the lies Luscious had told him to tell, why he was here, tried to decide whether he was really going to go through with it. he his head sagged forward and rested against his chest.

He was sitting in a puddle trying to decide whether he could stand or not when he heard someone shouting far off in the distance. He looked up, vision clearing a little although the images were still doubling, tripling, and singling again before him. An enormous stone wall rose up in front of him, obscuring the horizon, large iron gates with a long dirt path winding out behind it and leading to him, and a group of running people, just gray blurs beyond the gates, faces obscured by rain-- theses images rocked back and forth in sickening sequences.

"Here, he's here," a sharp voice shouted.

The gates opened. Familiar nameless faces surrounded him. His whole body felt heavy and he began to slide forward. Everything moved so slowly, the colors fading from robes and the sodden earth, and the angry black sky. As though some unknown force was sucking all the color from the world, everything bleached out around him.

Surely I should have hit ground by now, Severus thought calmly as he closed his eyes.

Soon enough he did hit the earth but it did not hold him up like it should have, instead it acquiesced to his weight and sagged like down beneath his form. Sooner or later he thought it would stop but he continued to drift down and down and down. As he fell he felt all sorrow and worry fall away from him. He forgot who he was, what he was, and why. Some unnamed feeling flooded him and he realized he was weeping as he fell through the white earth that felt like down. Perhaps he had died, he though, feeling no fear. And if he had died he supposed that this could not be hell and that the God he was so sure had created and forsaken him must not be so bad after all. And so he descended until he knew no more and the darkness of his sleeping mind returned to claim him. When he awoke he could see nothing. He heard worried whispers somewhere far from him, perhaps in another room. He wondered why he couldn't see then realized he was on his stomach and the down he had imagined drifting through for all eternity was really just a large pillow. He strained his ears and listened to the conversation.

"Albus...I don't know that this..."

"...I have... but I don't think I am wrong."

"Fine."

The conversation ended and the door to the other room swung open. Severus could hear two people emerge. One walked quickly out of the room and shut the door softly behind her. The other stood silent and still, watching.

"Severus," Dumbledore said, sounding as though he knew the other man lay awake in bed.

Severus rolled over but said nothing.

Dumbledore sat down in one of the chairs next to him. "Would you mind telling me how you escaped the castle and why you turned up outside the gates in such a state."

Severus opened his mouth to tell the truth, thought better of it, and said, "I left to turn in my resignation," he laughed bitterly, as instructed. "They don't care to much for traitors, I'm afraid. They...tied me up...and..."

There was a long silence before Dumbledore finally said, "There is no need to continue if it is against your wishes."

Severus nodded. "I don't remember much after that, they left to take a break and when the second shift came in to work me over there was a loud bang and some commotion, Luscious Malfoy was there, he got me out... I'm sorry, I just can't remember..."

Dumbledore nodded. "As I said, there is no need to continue if you are unable. Madam Pomphrey has instructed me to give you this potion before I leave you for the night. I suggest you drink it or I dare say she'll have both our hides."

Severus reached for the offered steaming goblet and with shaking hands drank the potion. He felt a burst of heat explode in his stomach and ran through the list of possible poisons with this effect.

"Do you really think I would try to poison you," Dumbledore asked, sounding a little offended. "Had I wanted you dead, I could have left you to die at the gates of the castle from exhaustion and the elements."

Severus nodded, noting that the painful stiffness in his movements was easing a little. "It has been a treacherous road I have walked."

Dumbledore place a paternal hand over Severus's and squeezed very gently. "And I fear it is not over yet, these trials."

Severus looked at him. "What do you mean?"

"I need an insider, an operative within the last of Voldemort's Death Eaters. It's been a week since his fall and many of them are still going strong, still attacking and killing half -  
bloods, muggle borns, and muggles alike. They're everywhere and the ministry is virtually powerless to stop them."

"How many deaths, innocent I mean," Severus asked.

"Eleven, I fear there are more we don't know about, "Dumbledore said, sadness weighing heavily in his old face, "It is, of course, a smaller death toll than when Voldemort was in power, so the ministry doesn't seem very concerned, says it's just the last of his followers who aren't captured or who haven't fled the country showing off, trying to scare the rest of the population.

Dumbledore stopped, shook his head. "I want them stopped. And you can find out who, when, where-- you can save lives. Many lives, innocent lives. Will you help me?"

Severus studied Dumbledore for a moment, eyes wide and disbelieving. "You want me to risk my life for some lot of people I don't even know," Severus motioned with a still quivering hand, "You don't think they'll know it's me who's ratting them all out, as I am the only one who's given his two week's notice. They'll kill me on sight if I get anywhere near any of them! Besides, it's only a matter of time before they come and hunt me down anyway! I'm a marked man, and these are some very sadistic blood-loving people who marked me! Give me one single good, sane, justifiable reason I should even consider doing this!"

Dumbledore looked very grave, he stroked his long silver beard thoughtfully as he watched Severus, beaten and battered and panting furiously starring back at him. Finally Dumbledore said," Severus, there are many reasons you should do this, dozens, hundreds, each with a face, a name, a life, hopes, dreams. These reasons are the people you have killed, or helped to kill. These reasons are the people whose deaths you can prevent. But I will give you the only reason that will persuade you, Lilly Evans."

Severus clenched his teeth.

"Think of what they did to Lily," Dumbledore said, a growing intensity in his voice. "She was happy. Whether you cared for James or not you must admit he loved her, that he would have provided her a very happy life. And she had her child, she was happy. And Voldemort destroyed that. Now his followers celebrate her destruction. The murdered her."

"Stop, please," Severus said weakly.

"You don't want to hear it because you know it's true. And not only have they violently torn Lily's carefully constructed life assunder, robbed her son of the most loving mother he could have asked for, but they have robbed you of her. Perhaps you would have never been together, but she would have been alive and happy and that would have been far better than what has happened," Dumbledore said, his voice cracking.

Severus opened his eyes and looked at the old wizard. "Dumbledore, I-- oh god"

_Beneath the stains of time_

_The feelings disappear_

_You are someone else_

_I am still right here_

"I-- I loved her," Severus wept, unable to hold back the tears. "I--god, I loved her more than life itself and I let them do this... I could have warned her. If I'd been different--"

_If I could start again_

_A million miles from here_

"I don't deserve to be here, I should be dead," Severus cried. "Why are you letting me live, why are you being kind to me?"

Dumbledore looked at him, the kindness in his eyes, the empathy, the understanding infuriating Severus even more.

"Tell me why you're doing this," Severus demanded.

"Because, Severus, this is how Lily would want it. She believed that you had the capacity to do good even when all others doubted you, even when I myself questioned whether there was any hope left. She _believed_, Severus, and so for _her_ sake, for _her_ love, I will believe in you and I will do as she would have wanted me to do," Dumbledore said.

_I would keep myself_

_I would find a way_


End file.
